Six Month Journey to Here

Six months have passed since my last blog…wow. Now that’s just wrong! Things have changed SO much over the last six months, so I believe an update is in order.

Six months ago, in the month of May, exactly two years after graduating from college, I was in the early stages of an aimless place in my life. I was living at home with my wonderful parents, beginning temp work (again!), saving up for a girl friend’s wedding in June, preparing for a service project in China over the entire month of August, and…not really sure where I was going in life. I did not feel free to pursue full-time work with my China trip approaching but, thankfully, I was blessed with a nanny job over the summer! This schedule would allow for me to increase my volunteer hours with a local non-profit that I had been working with for several months and my supervisors were hopeful to develop a job for me by the time I got back from China, which had me ecstatic! After one year of touch-and-go job experiences, things looked to be getting back on track for me career-wise! The summer looked promising to me.

As the sticky and unwelcome heat of the California summer arrived, a series of fortunate events occurred, along with a few seemingly unfortunate events, which really turned out to good, life-changing things from the Lord. First, my friend Lauren got married and I had the pleasure of joining her for the wedding week and standing with her on the special day as a bridesmaid. The long-awaited day was beautiful, full of happy smiles with old friends from college and joy for our newly married friends. This also happened to be the day that I officially met the man who is now my wonderful boyfriend, Russell! (We had apparently been around each other quite a bit when I was living in the area for school but we never noticed each other until the day of the wedding.) He was the photographer…I was a bridesmaid…long story short, we clicked very quickly, seeing God’s hand in the way we were brought together, and officially started dating a whole six weeks later!

Four days after we started dating, Russell left for a mission trip to Kenya with his church and I prepared for my trip to China. Unfortunately, this prep period had me busier than I had foreseen and I was not able to devote myself to my non-profit work to the extent I was hoping. Over the two weeks before China, I really saw how the job I would be doing with the non-profit was not a good fit for me and I decided to continue on as a volunteer in grant writing upon my return from China. This actually left me a bit discouraged and quite doubtful of my purpose without the security blanket of a career direction.

In addition, it was around this time in July that my parents began contemplating moving out of our house. This was a shock to me, as I never imagined they would leave. This was the house we built together and moved into when I was sixteen! The place where we first brought our dog, Max, to live with us as a puppy, where friends and family had gathered for so many occasions, where my nephew came to spend much of his time during his first two years of life before moving away. It was our place together, my home base during all the years I was in college, my safety net and comfort zone. Although my parents assured me that I always had a home with them wherever they lived, this change really got me thinking that this was probably a good opportunity for me to look into moving out on my own again. I really could stay with them just fine. We had reached a great place in our relationships with each other, but I had to ask myself if I really should stay and, as I had simply thought about moving out several times over the previous two years, I felt this was just the right time to move on.

This was quickly becoming the season for huge life changes!

Thankfully, I had been able to communicate with Russell for the first week that he was in Kenya but, three days before he came home, I left for China for FOUR WEEKS!! The month was seriously amazing! I had been to China once before and I absolutely loved spending time in the culture. We had an awesome team that provided childcare for the English teachers who were there for training before being sent out to different universities in Asia. I made so many memories with my team members (one of which was my mom!) and came back at the end of August. I was sad to leave but ready to be home to see Russell and begin with the new direction life would be headed!

Coming home was great!! I was so happy to spend time with Russell, although we still had to plan visits because we were still living about three hours away from each other. Adjusting back to life after China was a bit of a challenge, but the toughest area for me was my diet. I had never been so immersed in one particular culture’s food for so long before, so I was used to Chinese food and most American food did not appeal to me when I came back. I had lost some weight before China but ended up losing a lot more afterward, which I could not really stand to lose because I have never weighed very much anyway. Not very healthy, so I really struggled with putting weight back on and regaining my appetite. I’ve been better about that lately but I’m still working on it!

On another note, less than two weeks after returning from China, Russell was presented with an opportunity and was asked to pray about a job as a children’s pastor in Hawaii! Both of our answers were “no” at first, but upon praying about it, we both felt a peace from the Lord and knew it was the right thing, despite our displeasure with being parted for another long period of time. Honestly, I was a bit frustrated that I felt peace about him going, but I know in my heart that this move will be a good thing in the long run. The prospect was and has been very hard for both of us, but Russell went through his interview over a month after he was asked to pray about it and was actually asked if he would be interested in the youth pastor position instead of the children’s pastor position! We both saw this as a much better fit for him and, though difficult, we have both been excited about his move and the things God is going to do through him! Yet another person in my life entering a huge period of change!

In the meantime, before this process began, I had been looking for jobs in southern California to move closer to Russell, old friends, and my old home, as I had attended college in that area for four years! I had been taking my time in my job search, not feeling any rush and simply waiting for the right opportunity to present itself…until Hawaii. That really moved up my time table and motivation to move as we both wanted time together, not long-distance, before he left. As I pursued moving, God really opened up the doors for me to go and began to close doors for me back at home, confirming to me that moving was the right decision. I even found an awesome roommate, who I could move in with whenever I was ready! All I needed was a job.

After a couple of months of job searching, with only one interview and no real success, I grew discouraged. Time seemed to be slipping away as Russell’s departure grew near. I began to wonder if I was even supposed to move but things finally came to the point when my parents approached me and told me that they felt very strongly that I was supposed to just move. Immediately. Before I even had a job. I was shocked! I had been thinking I needed the security of a job first but they really encouraged me to move forward with the process. The next day, I checked into the possibilities and God totally opened the doors even further for me to go. I prayed about the whole ordeal and felt very confident that this was what I was supposed to do. All I needed to do was step out in faith and obedience, and simply go.

There were many things I felt as I decided on a Thursday to move away, from my hometown for good, on that upcoming Sunday. Part of me remained in shock. The idea of moving did not seem real to me yet. I could not have imagined that previous Sunday that I would be moving away the next week. I never would have guessed on that Wednesday that I would be spending the next Wednesday in SoCal, my old and new home. Despite my shock, I also felt excited and nervous. The plan felt so…natural. So right. I felt ready. Ready to go, ready for change, ready for a new chapter of my life to begin!

So here I am! I moved down to southern California into a whole new, exciting world and future. There have been times when I have been afraid, unsure how things would go and feeling insecure, but the Lord has provided for me every step of the way as I began to search full-time for a job and spend time with Russell. I am so thankful for this place where the Lord has brought me, how He has cared for me and grown me already in the short time that I have been here. He has really been building up my faith and challenging me in so many ways, and I am happy to say things are falling into place.

Less than two weeks after my arrival, I finally got a job, which I hope to begin training for next week! With encouragement from Russell, I have finally begun to write again, returning to a love that I have truly missed! I have been able to connect and re-connect with some great friends, including my sweet and awesome roommate! As far as Russell and I go, though his going is bittersweet, we will have a total of one month together before he goes, spending our time together to experience, learn, and grow in our relationship as much as possible before he goes, unfortunately, on Thanksgiving Day! A goodbye I am definitely not looking forward to but I cannot help being so thankful that he has been able to stay as long as he has been able!

So from where I sit, I really am thankful. Tomorrow is my birthday and I get to spend it with my sweet man, whom I love dearly! Not to mention, we get to go out with my friend, Lauren, and her husband on a double date! I could not ask for a better birthday. That’s all I need! I know there are tough times ahead but life is beautiful and I know the Lord is working things out for our good! I know that each moment is a gift, which I intend to spend wisely and enjoy. And I know that no matter what tomorrow brings, I can trust my Lord and my God to care and provide for me, draw me deeper into a loving relationship with Him as I pursue and obey Him, and show me each step to take one day at a time. I can truly say I am excited for this great adventure called life!

Speak Life

“But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.” –Matthew 5:22

It’s not too often that we think of name-calling as deserving the fires of hell. After all, some people just deserve to be called stupid for the idiot that they are, right? If a man is acting like a fool, call him for what he is. People who say ridiculous things, drive like maniacs, and wrong each other in a plethora of ways need to be put in their place. For us, since most of us do not hold positions that enforce moral behavior, name calling serves as our own minimal form of personal justice. After all, if we can’t have a person’s heads on a platter, we can certainly call them names. Besides, what harm does it really do?

Well, for starters, we all know that the line about “sticks and stones” is a complete lie. Words do hurt. Excruciatingly so, at times. They can tear us down and scar us for life, often causing more damage than physical abuse. We also know that words have the power to build up, to encourage and elevate (sometimes too much). But what about the people who “deserve” verbal insults? The ones who deliver unmerited foolish behavior that negatively impacts innocent bystanders? What does it matter if we call them names under our breath or even only in our hearts? Obviously, the person we call a fool has done something to elicit this response from us. They must deserve it, right? After all, they have committed the unfortunate crime of making our existence unpleasant.

In the verse above, Jesus is talking about how serious it is to insult each other; even thinking such insults toward another human being makes us guilty of murder in our hearts. Furthermore, 1 John 3:15 says, "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him." Wait a second. Murder? How could that be? Let us look a little deeper.

The word fool in the verse above translates to the word “raca,” a term of contempt and abuse meaning “empty one, worthless, good-for-nothing.” Now, the word fool is used throughout the Bible, but The Easton’s 1897 Bible Dictionary explains that this translation of the word is “only found in Matt. 5:22. The Jews used it as a word of contempt...derived from a root meaning ‘to spit.’”

Ouch. That’s pretty harsh. I had always thought of the word fool as a harmless equal to the word jerk. So harmless, I have allowed such words to dance carelessly off my tongue in countless melodies of justice. I never consciously intended to commit murder in my heart, but murder is not restricted to this one way that I have always understood it to be. In reality, not only is murder the physical action of taking away the life of a person but cursing the existence, the entire being, of a person.

Now, I believe that criticizing a person’s behavior is one thing but criticizing a person’s being is completely different. Focusing on the behavior is to point out flawed actions, which are common to man, narrowing in on hurtful and changeable attributes that impact others and need to change. Behavior can be described as rude, disrespectful, stupid, idiotic, and foolish without necessarily cursing the entire being of a person. In contrast, although assigning rude and disrespectful to the actual person is more direct than simply describing their behavior, I would submit that directing such names as stupid, idiot and fool at a person is to insult their entire being. To use these words, implying the venom behind the term “raca,” is to say that a person’s entire existence is empty, worthless and good-for-nothing. Thinking about it in these terms brings me to the conclusion that there is really no worse criticism for us to inflict on another human being.

All this to say that the words we assign to a person are important; we may surely use words to call behavior for what it is. We have a duty to confront each other but we are to do so in love, to “encourage one another and build each other up.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11) However, we must choose carefully the words we use to describe the person. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

Unfortunately, we are mistreated by too many people in passing to confront every person for each wrong thing that is done to us. This is where things get murky and the instinct to invoke this “little revenge” comes into play. I know we may feel justified in this little revenge (and I’m saying we here), but this “small” thing really turns out to be a big and heinously evil thing in the eyes of the Lord. It is not up for us to determine whether or not a person deserves the insult. Romans 12:14 and 19 says, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse…Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’”

We are called to speak life over people, words that speak hope and truth not death, no matter how much we may feel they deserve it. The tongue is a powerful weapon that can destroy in ways we cannot know. James 3:8-9 says, “…but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.”

I don’t think we can fathom the eternal impact of our words, even in the silence of our hearts. If we have the power to pray with our words and speak in our hearts, initiating holy movement in the supernatural realms of our Lord, we had better believe that our words and the thoughts of our hearts have a power for evil in those same unseen places.

The words we say all come down to what we allow into our hearts. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23) When we pursue Christ and pour His Word into our hearts, allowing Him to purify and have His way in us, His Spirit will empower us to love, practice self-control, and forgive. Our ability to rest in the promised justice of the Lord will expand and the words of life will flow from our hearts as we wait patiently in obedience. His peace will dilute the impact of the wrongs against us, liberating us from the constant misery of being overwhelmed by every negative and fleeting thing that happens in our lives and preventing us from committing murder in any form or fashion.

Anyone can love a friend but He gives us the power to love even our enemies. And hopefully, the words we speak will point even our enemies back to Him. Thank You Lord for freeing us, not only from facing an eternity without You, but from having to endure even the small ways that sin can hold us captive in our daily lives.

"Raca." Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary. 24 April. 2013. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Raca>.

Rain Awaiting a Rainbow

So…it has been almost five months since my last post. To be honest, I began one angry and unorganized venting blog months ago, which I have no intention of actually sharing since it was more for me than anyone else. I’ve also had several topics on my mind to write on but have only managed to make a few notes of my initial thoughts on each subject. Nothing too developed or worth sharing as of yet on those topics.

It’s hard to even know where to begin, really, with all of the ups and downs, sunrises and sunsets, smiles and tears.

To be brief, I spent the bulk of the last six months working full-time, from August up until three weeks ago, beginning with a couple of temp jobs and then being hired on for a committed career-driven job. Looking back on that whole six-month period, I really feel now like I had set my consciousness aside, my whole self, just being so enveloped in work and the pursuit of a career that I wasn’t meant for and didn’t even really want, but felt obligated to pursue. It has felt strange to be out of that mindset these last few weeks, to no longer be filled with the intent of purposefully pursuing a way of life that I don’t like. A way of life that is SO not me. And to be honest even further, being anything but myself really takes an emotional toll on me as a person, in every way. To do so makes me feel confined and depressed. This is the state I was driven to and soaked myself in, being so out of myself that I didn’t even realize I had been in that place for some time.

Now, here is a freebie for those of you who don’t know me well. I am good at pretending like I’m alright when I’m really dying inside. I can hide it well from most people, except maybe my mom and a few others, but even then... Generally, if you can see a trace of a broken heart in me, it’s ONLY because I’m letting you see it, possibly because I’m tired of holding it in. Not many know of the many colorful ways I have been hurt over the last six months. I hid my hurt with a big, fake smile and, due to the constant busyness of those months, I really neglected my need to deal with those painful things. At the end of the day, I would simply slump into silent stupor during a brief moment of stillness, stare off into space and…not deal with things.

Four weeks ago, near the end of this six month period, I actually found myself swallowed up in the daze of a sleepless night, despite being absolutely spent from whatever I did that day. It was raining that night and the moment made me nostalgic, so I wrote a blog without stopping or even looking at what I wrote. I crashed when I ran out of thoughts, certain that anything I had typed was incoherent nonsense.

However, a couple of weeks ago, I went back through and read my blog and it was not unclear as I thought it would be. To convey the state I was in that night, here is what I wrote:

“I hear the rain drive on steadily outside my window. I don’t remember the last time it rained here but I’ve missed it. The rain brings to me the comfort of safe memories and the cleansing sense of renewal.

            A night like this reminds me of a rainstorm during my sophomore year in college. I was twenty years old, carrying layers of pain on my disfigured young heart, and yet my wild sense of freedom came alive in the pouring night. I remember how cold it was but I didn’t care. I walked just outside my apartment, barefoot in the grass, stopping under the arms of the massive pine tree, to stand with my face upward into the oncoming shower of icy drops. I shivered more and more as the chill crawled its way into my bones but I stayed until I was soaked through.

            There is something refreshing to me about standing in the rain, face up, eyes closed and arms to the sky. Something I needed from that experience in that moment. This act certainly did not fix my tattered heart but I felt, in the most tangible way I could feel, the outward expression of God crying with my heart while my own tears remained as immovable stones inside me. I felt Him soften the hardened spirit that clenched my jaw shut, washing clean the soul of grime that paralyzed me on a daily basis.

            Hearing the rain tonight makes me want to go out and do that again, to let the rain soak me to my bones. But I’m afraid my free spirit is tired tonight and my naturally wild soul downcast within me. A powerful tension has been wearing on me in so many areas of my life as of late. I could point the finger of blame at the largest of those unpleasant matters, saying that my life would be better if that situation were different and the obstacles it brings removed, but the thread runs deeper. Much deeper.

            I feel my heart sitting quietly, trying not to look around and move too much, while wanting so desperately to just start flying. But I’m waiting for something. I’m waiting for the revelation of my purpose. Not in specific terms, of course, but the sense of what I’m ultimately meant to do. Who I’m meant to be. The days are beginning to blur together and the passion that typically exudes from my spirit has run low.

            I need to be refreshed. I need to be washed by the rain. Father, please send a rain to refresh my heart.”

Basically, I had come to a pretty dry place in my life. I was ready for some rain. Some refreshment and renewal. I would say that those things have definitely begun to rain down in my life over the last few weeks. The rain has begun to wash away the traces of the mask I wore, the pretend-me that I clung to for all those months. I have felt joy in breathing the clean air again, tasting the freedom of the raindrops over my lips.

I feel the rain softening me again. Re-working the setting for a fire to burn again.

At this point, I wish I could say that the rain has done all its work so I can look to the sky hopefully for my rainbow. In fact, the rain has begun to pour harder. Apparently, I need a little more pressure and cleansing before this storm will end and reveal the rainbow I’ve been dreaming about…but at least I’m not waiting for the rain anymore. I would rather feel this pressure, this washing away of hurtful things and bad habits, than to be where I was before. All I know right now is that I’m just glad to be myself again and “I’m never changing who I am” again.

So…there we are. I know this entry is not the most eloquent thing I have ever written. It may be blunt but it’s real and it’s honest, and those are the only feet I’m really interested in started with as I get back up to write again. I assure you, though, that the other topics I have had rolling around in my brain will come out eventually. More to come soon…

Plans and Promises

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

So I have been working on this blog entry for about a month now. I began writing at the end of September but I started a new temp job and have been either crazy busy or completely worn out. I’ve had so much to say and express but I could almost swear, just because of how ridiculously difficult it has been to finish this, that supernatural forces have been working against me to keep me from doing so. Well, now…no more. I am finished, so here is what’s been going on in my life as of late.

This most recent season of heat (which, I might add, overstayed its welcome by a long shot) was, in a word, eventful. And when I say eventful, yes, I do mean brimming with self-discovery and growth. And yes, I do mean bursting with positive experiences and friendships. However, in addition to the aforementioned splendor, I also mean…well, let’s just be honest here…gushing with crap.

Now, hold on. Let me just say that this is not a piece devoted to complaint. Please, just bear with me. First, a brief interlude.

When I finished college last year, I came home with the intention of getting on my feet and settling into life as a graduated adult…and that is exactly what happened. God’s hand was so clear in my life, leading me in each and every step, and I was amazed over where His favor took me within a relatively short period of time. One year after my college graduation, to the day, I was promoted to full time at my amazing job. I was so excited about the future and the track I was on. I could just see my life playing out marvelously before my eyes…to the glory of God, of course.

About an hour after my promotion, an unforeseen shock came, seemingly, out of nowhere, opening a crazy jar of issues that spilled into my sanity. The events that followed led to my very necessary resignation from my job a whopping three weeks later. I was devastated and, all of a sudden, despite my experiences from the previous year, I found myself starting over at square one.

That was the beginning of the summer.

Now, I believe that everything happens for a reason and so I took this change of direction with a grain of salt. If God had taken care of me and led me so well the year before, He must have something perfect waiting right around the corner, right? So I waited. I applied for jobs and I waited. I invested in relationships (both romantic and platonic) and I waited. As the summer passed, I savored the blessings and shouldered the rejections in both jobs and relationships…and I waited.

All the while, countless voices in my life spoke words of encouragement to me. “Just wait,” they would say. “The Lord will take care of you. Hold onto His promises. Remember Jeremiah 29:11!” These words were all too easy to believe in the beginning, and they were certainly sustaining enough as the summer went on without progress, but the latter half of September brought my optimistic spirits crashing down hard. Within days, I was bombarded with multiple rejections that only built upon earlier summer rejections that I had not dealt with. The irritating pokes I ignored evolved into a few head-cracking punches that knocked me to the ground.

First, my temp job assignment ended abruptly. I knew it was not permanent, but the sudden drop, with no goodbye, hurt just a smidge. Second, my final interview for a permanent job, which I had been emotionally invested in for two months, was cancelled on me for the second and last time. That one hurt a bit more. Third, after being very intentionally pursued by a guy, I was suddenly dumped. Major ouch. And last, I felt like I lost one of my best friends. Quadruple ouch.

Basically, all at once, I felt the colossal impact of being strung along and rejected in just about every area of my life. I’d had enough and something inside me snapped. The sudden shock seemed to overload my circuits and fry my brain, making me hyper aware of the absolute lack of progress I had made over the last four months in my standing as an independent adult. My optimism froze and I was struck with a finality that stupefied me. All the responsibilities I had been holding at arms length came in close and crowded around my face. They started attacking me with questions and snide remarks, which I know are lies. But boy, when you’re down, you can believe just about anything.

I felt so incredibly alone and unloved. Incapable and stuck. Used and misunderstood. Neglected and invisible. I felt like an absolute waste.

My initial instinct was to run away. I went on a crazed job search one night for about four hours straight, searching with bloodshot eyes for any reasonable job that could get me out of this town and out of this stupid rut. After my fruitless search (and my unsuccessful attempt at avoidance) I finally started to deal with everything…from the entire summer. The weight of it all drove me to ask God, “Why did You even make me if all I’m meant to be is an unwanted and incapable burden? Why did You make me if this is all I’ll ever be? What plans and promises could You possibly have for me?”

I reasoned that God never really promised anything to me specifically. He never promised me a career, specific kinds of friends, or even marriage. His promise to give a future and a hope was probably only for the Israelites regarding their own situation in the Bible thousands of years ago. He surely wasn’t promising me a future and a hope. That is not to say that I completely stopped believing in God’s provision. He soon provided me with my new temp job and some income, for which I am grateful. I knew He was still taking care of me enough to get me by, but I wanted “to thrive, not just survive” (Thrive, Switchfoot). I felt like I was destined to never thrive. My loss of hope sent me slinking into a kind of depression that had not visited me in quite a while.

Alright, time for the progression.

After one week of my major depression, things started to shift. The state of my big picture circumstances did not change and I did not just…get better. However, one by one, little bottles of messages, released from the deep, began to pop up through the surface and subtly capture my attention, messages that spoke to my heart of God’s plans and promises…for me, and I began to glance up more and more from my gloom.

Just imagine being told to hold on to God’s promises, scoffing in disbelief, and then suddenly hearing references to God’s promises over and over again…everywhere…all the time. The messages came through tear-jerking songs, perfectly-timed Bible verses, heart-piercing sermons…even the title of my Promises for a Jesus Freak book, which I have carried in my purse since high school, caught my attention in a new way.

I have to say that God spoke to me the most directly through my favorite radio station, Air 1. It was kind of ridiculous, actually, just how blatant and frequent these messages became, speaking to me specifically about God’s promises. I would just be driving along in my gloom when a DJ would start sharing their thoughts, sometimes just a quick word and sometimes an entire discussion. Thoughts that spoke directly to my heart, complete with a side of encouragement, a Bible verse to quench my thirst, and a perfect song for dessert to wow me some more. Just because He could. Every single time, my jaw would drop and I sat, dumbfounded, in my car. No…way.

Here are the first three songs that shocked me into a stupor:

1) Promises by Sanctus Real: “Just hold on to the promises. Hold on to the promises. Jesus is alive so hold tight. Hold on to the promises.” Whoa, really?

2) Stand by Britt Nicole: “When I feel like giving up, when my heart is hurt too much, feels like I’ve reached the end. No I won’t turn and run. This battle will be won. When I’ve done all I can I’ll stand. On Your promise I will stand. All other ground is sinking sand.” Come on. Are you messing with me, Lord?

3) Right Beside You by Building 429: “When the world is on your back and you think that you will never last, when you’re lonely and you are confused, I’ll be right beside you. When the walls are closing in and you think you’d rather sink than swim, when there’s nothing left for you to lose, I’ll be right beside you.” Ah-bu-wha-huhhh? *goosebumps*

You can imagine my astonishment as more than a dozen similar songs have made their way to my ears and my heart over the last few weeks. Quite a few of these songs about God’s promises were brand spanking new but many of these songs I already owned. Whether new or old, all of these songs spoke to me about God taking care of me and getting me through hard times because of His love for me, a love that goes deeper than I can know. And it’s still happening! Just today, I caught another song and several verses that blew my mind. Wow.

I look back now on the way that these messages came upon me. I imagine myself sitting in the dark, crying after an earthquake until, suddenly, I stop…because I hear something. Portions of a gentle, holy whisper. I hear another, then another. Soon, a soft murmur comes in closer at my right and a clearer voice to my left. A faint breath of presence blows onto my face as a gentle touch wipes at my tear-stained cheek.

My love, I am here.

I love how Jesus knows the best way to capture my attention, so sweetly and lovingly, as opposed to a loud booming voice of condemnation that would terrify me and drive me deeper into the pit. He doesn’t do that. I can see now how He cared for my heart so gently as I lay broken and damaged, how He comforted me so kindly as my heart received and processed the messages of His plans and promises. Throughout the entire process, He communicated His presence and love to me, over and over again, through the random words of strangers, the reaching out of friends, and the relieving compassion of my family. He knew what I needed…how gentle and kind He is.

My best girl friend from college made a really great point to me that I had forgotten. God may have made those promises to the Israelites concerning their own specific situations, but He did not include these events in the Bible just to give us a boring history of things that do not pertain to us at all. There is a point. And one huge point is that, by studying God’s behavior in the Bible, we get to know His character.

Hebrews 13:8 says “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” We can witness God’s unchanging character traits through His interactions with His children in the Bible and the promises He made to them. If nothing else, God shows how extremely and utterly faithful He is to keep on loving a people who repeatedly turned their backs on Him. How awesome! And what a long cycle it has been for Him to endure such things from them, from us. He knows rejection better than anyone else, better than me, and yet He remains faithful.

You know what that says to me? If God was faithful and kind to His beloved ones then, though they themselves were unfaithful, then He, in His same unchangeable love, will surely show the same faithfulness and kindness to His beloved now. To me. And since He is unchangeable, all the promises He made to His children back then apply to His children now. He made those promises to His children as a whole, not just for those people during one isolated incident.

As I said before, none of my big picture circumstances have changed, but God, who loves to communicate through repetition, has made completely clear how vital it is for me to hold on to His promises. In the mean time, the Lord has provided me with solid temporary work, surrounded me with some amazing friends (both new and old), and established me with a strong support system. I am still waiting for some very important components in my life to fall into place…but I can wait now.

And I am learning (notice I’m still in the process) to believe, hold onto, and claim the promises of God in my life. That hope, that trust, and that peace that comes with the deepening of love changes everything when it would seem that nothing has really changed at all.

Smile at Life Again

Do you ever stop and marvel at how much you’ve changed over the course of a previous year? Have you ever looked back on yourself and asked, “Was that person really me?” Have you ever been a certain version of yourself for so long that you wonder how it’s possible that you could be so different now? In case you haven’t guessed, I tend to reflect on journeys. I like to reminisce over where I was exactly one year before and wonder where I will be exactly one year from that day.

Recently, I read an excerpt of my journal from the same time last year, astonished to realize that the difficult issues I was dealing with at that time, things that had a core influence on me throughout my whole life, seem like distant memories to me now. They were not even that long ago, but I feel like a completely different person. I experienced the somewhat curious sensation of suddenly awaking one day to realize that, somehow and sometime, it all just…ended. And a new life began.

Well, it didn’t happen quite so simply, and yet, looking back now, the transition was so seamless. Rather unremarkable and unnoticeable. I cannot pinpoint the exact day, the moment, in which I became free of the major issues that plagued my existence. Needless to say, I was driven to ask, “How could my ‘self-defining issues’ not even be a part of my life anymore? When did I finally begin to smile at life again?”

Last year, the residual reverberations of pain were still a part of my life. They still made a home in my heart and they still held my emotions captive. Battles had waged war in countless parts of me for so many years that the call for ceasefire had not brought the anticipated peace to my life. Yes, those battles, in the most defining of wars, had ended…but all is not well in the immediate moments of subsequent silence.

There follows an eerie echo of the shots fired. The cries made. The pain. I imagine standing in the middle of a quiet Civil War battlefield strewn with bodies as an overcast dawn breaks, breathing in the frosty air thick with the presence of death. One cannot smile at life again until the dead have been buried and mourned. Mourning cannot go on forever, but life cannot truly go on until mourning is complete.

One year ago, my war had been over for some time, but my mourning was incomplete.

Over the years, God had definitely worked some knots out of the muscles of my heart and smoothed some edges of my sharpened attitude, cleaning me up in different areas as I went along. I had definitely healed in many ways. But, this time last year, I was entering into yet another grieving and healing process over certain components of my life which had not yet been resolved. I knew it was a good process to go through in order to heal and move on, so I was prepared to deal with the issues.

However, this time around was different. I can see now how this experience was not merely another step in the healing process but rather the final step. Like cleaning a rough surface and having the most difficulty with the last layer of grime as it hides deep down in the crevices, the unreachable places that are so small you never imagined they even existed. This purification process was no longer merely a surface level sweep. The time had come for the deep cleansing to make the details of God’s work in me shine.

I can come up with more analogies but, frankly, I am most reminded of Lord of the Rings when Frodo and Sam finally reach Mordor and must crawl their way up the mountain. So close to their destination but the rigorous journey has made the last steps the most difficult.

Anyway, this particular grieving and healing process was, by far, the most confrontational, the most difficult, and the longest. This one took about six months for me to work through, and yet, in the end, this one was the most freeing. It had the greatest resolve, the most encompassing peace, and the most final of ends.

It’s hard to believe that all of the things that engulfed my life, all of the major things that made me angry, bitter, and depressed on a constant basis, have been dealt with and reconciled, once and for all. To think that this last year was the year. The year that I finally let go. Finally accepted the past. Finally forgave and moved on.

My negative experiences definitely influenced who I am today and the insecurities that resulted were so ingrained in me, taking up so much purpose in my life, that I could not fathom living without them. Ever. And now, it feels…normal to live life without those burdens. Like they never happened. Even though they did. Who would have thought that my hurts, struggles, and insecurities didn’t have to run my life?

They are just…gone. I said goodbye.

That is not to say that certain memories do not still hurt sometimes. They do, of course, but they certainly don’t own me anymore. They don’t rule my life. They made me who I was once, but holding onto those things would have kept me in a bad place, the place of war. I was still holding onto my way of life in war. That is understandable - wars are life-engulfing and earth-shattering experiences that change you forever - but enough time has gone by and enough healing has taken place so that my war no longer determines who I am or where I am going. My negative experiences no longer poison my outlook on life and separate me from Jesus, the most important person in my life.

I don’t know exactly when it happened - I had honestly reached the point where I had lost all hope of it ever happening - but I can honestly say that I can and I do smile at life again.

The Ever-So-Quick Evolution of Shock Value

            I think it’s pretty safe to say that I am NOT a fan of scary movies. Growing up, I was always pretty sensitive to disturbing images, and horror films scared THE crap out of me. The old black and white films were scary because of the more subtle images and off-camera implications, leaving the horrific elements to the imagination. The newer films tend to use more blatant visuals of gore as well as intricate elements of evil. And, most importantly, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I do not generally feel comfortable filling my mind with such disturbing things.

            All around…not a fan.

            And yet, there came a time, last summer, when curiosity concerning one particular horror film got the best of me and I broke down and watched most of it. This film is probably the most popular horror film of the nineties and I’m sure anyone born in the eighties or prior can guess the movie on their first or second try. I grew up knowing its basic plot, as well as the plots of all its sequels, and yet I never did see the film in its entirety.

            As I watched and the story unfolded, I was actually quite surprised at how very cheesy I found the movie to be. Still, I held out for the notorious twist in the plot that had people raving all those years ago and would elicit the smashing “I didn’t see that coming!” response. The actions of the bad guys were indeed disturbing, which made me ask all the more, “What could the psychological motivation possibly be for the villains to commit such heinous crimes?” (Actually, it was probably more like, "What the crap made them do that?") And finally, the denouement…the unfolding of the plot!

            “Huh?”

            This was literally my response. The reason that one of the bad guys went absolutely insane and murdered several people in horrific ways was essentially because (spoiler alert) his father had an affair with his girlfriend’s mother, which led to his parent’s divorce. Yes, that is horrible. That will most definitely leave scars on a person. However…I think, because such behavior is so common-place in modern society, this motive seemed to me a highly implausible scenario for someone going that crazy.

            Sufficed to say, the twist was a bit of a let down for me. I wondered, “That was it? How did that twist cause for the movie to accumulate such a popular appeal?”

            When I really thought about it, and when I think about other books and movies from the nineties, I actually find that I too was shocked by much lesser things as a child. It took much less to shock people back then, in general. Society was more sensitive, especially in the pre-crime-show-frenzy days.

            I remember the very first season of the original CSI. The outcome of the plot in each and every episode was so mind-boggling, interesting, and…shocking, and yet so tame compared to the twists that are thrown into the newer episodes these days. As the twisting increased, crime show after crime show came out, all with their own spin of creepy villainous behavior, and we grew hungry for more of the twisted and the disturbing. Society seems to have been numbed, relatively quickly, to the things that were once shocking. After all, the shock-effect was so appealing initially, it became addicting. “Wow! That’s crazy! How sick and twisted. I didn’t see that coming!”

            The things that were shocking twenty years ago, or even ten years ago, are not so shocking anymore. (I know that I personally feel like there is not much left to be shocked by.) I’m sure that, once this trend for shock was established, the business wheels of many entertainment industries began to fly. I can just see organizations in existence, consisting of countless teams of people who are appointed with the task of coming up with the most twisted and even disgusting scenarios available to the imagination, in order to keep up with an audience that has been utterly numbed to what was once known as the sensation of shock.

            I will be the first to concede that I have been numbed right along with everyone else. Maybe not as much, because I do still hate horror films, but my confusion over the plot of the horror film I watched tells me that the evolution of shock value has definitely had an influence on me. What seemed to me a weak plot twist was once considered to be shocking enough to produce crazy, cold-blooded killers. I would venture to say that such a plot twist would not carry much satisfaction with a modern audience.

Trust

Here is a devotional entry I wrote a few months ago. Hope this will bless you!

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

            Throughout my growing up years, and most of my college experience, my family was in a constant state of falling apart. There were some things that were completely out of my control that tore roughly into the deep places of my heart, resulting in some ugly emotional scars and, if I say so myself, some highly unattractive personality traits. As a young girl, I invested myself in prayer, begging for God to make my family whole. But, alas, things only got worse with the passing of time. I concluded then that God was not interested in listening to me. In my mind, I believed I was simply a second-rate child of God who did not get the V.I.P. service. Somehow, I missed the memo and my lot in life would be to wait after those with the upgraded membership.

            When I became older, my circumstances seemed to me more than I could handle and, being the logical individual that I am, I no longer saw the stock in bringing my problems before the God who ignored me. I am invisible. The whispered words swam through my mind, soaked my logic in the lie that this was how God perceived me.

            I turned, accordingly, to an alternative source of coping.

            Since I had always been naturally inclined toward academics anyway, I did not even realize when this certain shift took place in my heart and mind. Very subtly, I turned school and success into my escape. When things got hard and control ripped itself from my grasp, I threw myself into my studies, complete with picky perfectionism, as this was the one thing in my life that I felt I could control. I had determined for myself one ultimate goal: to graduate from a university far, far away, then all would be well in the world and all my dreams would somehow come true.

            I worked hard in high school, enjoying my classes, getting good grades, gaining knowledge and experience. Finally, college approached and I dove in head first. Throughout the entirety of my college experience, I was the student being told by her parents to study less and have a little more fun. How many parents have that problem? Then, it came…graduation. The day I had always anticipated, but never truly believed would come. I had cycled myself through a plethora of fabulous post-graduate ideas but, one by one, they all fell through and I was left without the big flashy plan I had expected to have by then.

            Another thing I had not expected at graduation was the subsequent nine months of anxiety withdrawals (seriously), recovering from the years of constant stress and learning to live in a completely different way for the rest of my life. School was over and done, never to be repeated. It could be prolonged with grad school and an endless pursuit of degrees, but it did not change the fact that my quarter-life goal had been accomplished with three quarters of my life to spare. And this quarter of life was all I had ever known. I didn’t know how to operate any other way. I was hit by the limitless and unsafe realm of anything is possible, mulling over the question, “What do I do with the rest?”

            It took me a while to realize that I was struggling with more than a simple crisis of direction. I had lost my purpose. My structure was gone. For the first time in my life, I saw that, instead of turning to substance abuse and other obvious vices, I had made school and success my drugs of choice. Every passed test and completed course fed my sense of control that I never felt capable of in my home life.

            I realized a simple truth: I am no better than anyone else who turns to substance abuse or any other behavioral vice to cope with their pain and anger. It all involves turning to something besides God in an attempt to fix things on our own. I am guilty of being a success junkie and turning to school for my comfort and fulfillment.

            My behavior made me wonder how I could have claimed, over all this time, to truly trust in God. All the while growing up, and in college, I sang praises to the Lord about how I loved and trusted Him when, really, I had stopped laying certain parts of my life before Him years before because I did not trust Him with it. What does that say about my entire life, which I have supposedly devoted to my faith in Christ? Has our relationship really been shallow all along?       

            A flood of realization cascaded over me. My need for control had created an idol that dominated my life and took the place of the God I proclaimed to love and serve. After all, why stay faithful to the God who seemed to pass over me like a stranger on the street? I am invisible even to God. The lie had grown weeds with thick roots down into my heart and, unbeknownst to me, the time had come to uproot them.

            My long withdrawal period from my old life stung quite a bit and I really had no way of turning back to my addictive habits again. I went from such longstanding mental chaos to a comparatively extreme period of isolation, which was, in many ways, the most intense emotional loneliness I have ever known. My vulnerability forced me to the throne of Christ, where I could only be real with myself and with Him. Here, I realized and faced this subtle, yet engulfing, sin in my life.

            I understand now that even the most seemingly harmless things in life can hold the same poisonous traps that the enemy would use to pull us away from Christ. Traps that whisper lies to blur and distort our perception of His true nature. And it has taken all this time for me to grasp even this portion of the Truth, that God is not ignorant of me. He sees me and He loves me more than I can fathom.

             I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. He created me to be the one to withstand this exact life that I live. I cannot compare the way God chooses to direct my life with the way He chooses to direct others.

            I know that God did not cause for things in my family to go haywire but He allowed them to happen for a good reason, which He will use to bring glory to Himself. For that, I am thankful.

            And for the first time since I was a child, as I continue to give up my need for control and wash my mind in Truth, in order to flush out my old and false way of thinking, I know that God sees me and that He is trustworthy above all others. I may feel unseen at times among my own kind, but no matter what I do or how I feel, I am not invisible to Him. Lord, please allow for me to see You clearly, as You see me.

“She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: ‘You are the God who sees me,' for she said, 'I have now seen the One who sees me.’” Genesis 16:13