How is it possible to be so happy and heartbroken at the same time? How is it possible to cry with joy and thankfulness while wanting to cry over pain and difficult questions simultaneously? I don’t know how, but I feel the pull of both at once. There are so many blessings showering into my life right now, but there are so many other things going on around me that render me grieving.
An overwhelming amount of changes that I am afraid of are occurring, yet there are so many changes I am excited about. (I have always struggled over worrying about the future, probably something I will struggle with until the day I die.) This may sound oxymoronic but, although I am not traditional, I love traditions. I do things out of the ordinary, but I prefer consistency in some ways. I want something to rely on, something special to see and savor. I know that Christ is the only thing I can rely on, but I still have such a hard time dealing with change.
I miss the way my family used to go about the holidays. Those traditions have changed since my grandpas have both passed away and relatives my age are mostly married, starting their own families and even moving away. I miss the relationships I used to have with my friends. Those relationships are different now. Since graduation last spring, we have all spread out and we can’t just stop by and see each other the way we used to. Other friends are in relationships, engaged, married, having kids, moving, becoming different people. Overall, there is growing apart taking place.
In addition to the general change of life, there is the suffering of others around me that is burdening my heart. Family and friends struggling with or losing their jobs, husbands going to the hospital for heart problems, an adoption being reversed on a couple who fell in love with a child. I am definitely a fixer. I want to do something to make things the way I think they should be. To serve justice, according to me. But I am not the authority and I am not the Holy One who can make a perfect judgment. It is not within my control to fix everything for everyone. That is a humbling thought and certainly a difficult desire to harness.
Finally, there is the spiritual struggle of others around me. People I know who are so lost, empty and without hope. All I can do is point them to the One who comforts and fills me, knowing that, aside from prayer and offering my shoulder to cry on, there is really nothing I can personally do for them. (Again, with the fixing…) Children who have never heard of Jesus or, if they have, they think that He is dead, not knowing that He is their God, their Creator, their Father. That He is alive and He loves them. That He is with them and they don’t need to be afraid of falling asleep alone or dying. Trying to share that hope, but met with the inability to understand and discouraged by the continuation of that spiritual void.
And yet, despite all this, I am so excited about life and the opportunities that the Lord is opening up for me. Not so I can find success, wealth and comfort, but so I can be a blessing in the lives of others, bring Him glory in all that I do and allow Him to accomplish His will for my life. I am so happy about the refining and healing process He is putting me through, even though it is painful, so I can be who He wants me to be. I am so thankful for the answered prayers and the people He is putting into my life, right when I need them, so that I can see how He cares and provides for me, always.
Nothing is certain now, as far as the opportunities go, but He is leading me down a path that I know has been secured and blessed by Him. The refining and healing will surely be accomplished as I daily surrender myself and allow Him to shape and mold me like clay. And I must have faithfulness, relying on Him alone to supply all of my needs.
I rejoice in how amazing and merciful my God is for every moment that He loves me, for all of His unearned blessings and for never giving up on me. And I choose to trust Him with all of the things that are grieving my spirit because He is the Lord over all that burdens a human heart.
