Six Month Journey to Here

Six months have passed since my last blog…wow. Now that’s just wrong! Things have changed SO much over the last six months, so I believe an update is in order.

Six months ago, in the month of May, exactly two years after graduating from college, I was in the early stages of an aimless place in my life. I was living at home with my wonderful parents, beginning temp work (again!), saving up for a girl friend’s wedding in June, preparing for a service project in China over the entire month of August, and…not really sure where I was going in life. I did not feel free to pursue full-time work with my China trip approaching but, thankfully, I was blessed with a nanny job over the summer! This schedule would allow for me to increase my volunteer hours with a local non-profit that I had been working with for several months and my supervisors were hopeful to develop a job for me by the time I got back from China, which had me ecstatic! After one year of touch-and-go job experiences, things looked to be getting back on track for me career-wise! The summer looked promising to me.

As the sticky and unwelcome heat of the California summer arrived, a series of fortunate events occurred, along with a few seemingly unfortunate events, which really turned out to good, life-changing things from the Lord. First, my friend Lauren got married and I had the pleasure of joining her for the wedding week and standing with her on the special day as a bridesmaid. The long-awaited day was beautiful, full of happy smiles with old friends from college and joy for our newly married friends. This also happened to be the day that I officially met the man who is now my wonderful boyfriend, Russell! (We had apparently been around each other quite a bit when I was living in the area for school but we never noticed each other until the day of the wedding.) He was the photographer…I was a bridesmaid…long story short, we clicked very quickly, seeing God’s hand in the way we were brought together, and officially started dating a whole six weeks later!

Four days after we started dating, Russell left for a mission trip to Kenya with his church and I prepared for my trip to China. Unfortunately, this prep period had me busier than I had foreseen and I was not able to devote myself to my non-profit work to the extent I was hoping. Over the two weeks before China, I really saw how the job I would be doing with the non-profit was not a good fit for me and I decided to continue on as a volunteer in grant writing upon my return from China. This actually left me a bit discouraged and quite doubtful of my purpose without the security blanket of a career direction.

In addition, it was around this time in July that my parents began contemplating moving out of our house. This was a shock to me, as I never imagined they would leave. This was the house we built together and moved into when I was sixteen! The place where we first brought our dog, Max, to live with us as a puppy, where friends and family had gathered for so many occasions, where my nephew came to spend much of his time during his first two years of life before moving away. It was our place together, my home base during all the years I was in college, my safety net and comfort zone. Although my parents assured me that I always had a home with them wherever they lived, this change really got me thinking that this was probably a good opportunity for me to look into moving out on my own again. I really could stay with them just fine. We had reached a great place in our relationships with each other, but I had to ask myself if I really should stay and, as I had simply thought about moving out several times over the previous two years, I felt this was just the right time to move on.

This was quickly becoming the season for huge life changes!

Thankfully, I had been able to communicate with Russell for the first week that he was in Kenya but, three days before he came home, I left for China for FOUR WEEKS!! The month was seriously amazing! I had been to China once before and I absolutely loved spending time in the culture. We had an awesome team that provided childcare for the English teachers who were there for training before being sent out to different universities in Asia. I made so many memories with my team members (one of which was my mom!) and came back at the end of August. I was sad to leave but ready to be home to see Russell and begin with the new direction life would be headed!

Coming home was great!! I was so happy to spend time with Russell, although we still had to plan visits because we were still living about three hours away from each other. Adjusting back to life after China was a bit of a challenge, but the toughest area for me was my diet. I had never been so immersed in one particular culture’s food for so long before, so I was used to Chinese food and most American food did not appeal to me when I came back. I had lost some weight before China but ended up losing a lot more afterward, which I could not really stand to lose because I have never weighed very much anyway. Not very healthy, so I really struggled with putting weight back on and regaining my appetite. I’ve been better about that lately but I’m still working on it!

On another note, less than two weeks after returning from China, Russell was presented with an opportunity and was asked to pray about a job as a children’s pastor in Hawaii! Both of our answers were “no” at first, but upon praying about it, we both felt a peace from the Lord and knew it was the right thing, despite our displeasure with being parted for another long period of time. Honestly, I was a bit frustrated that I felt peace about him going, but I know in my heart that this move will be a good thing in the long run. The prospect was and has been very hard for both of us, but Russell went through his interview over a month after he was asked to pray about it and was actually asked if he would be interested in the youth pastor position instead of the children’s pastor position! We both saw this as a much better fit for him and, though difficult, we have both been excited about his move and the things God is going to do through him! Yet another person in my life entering a huge period of change!

In the meantime, before this process began, I had been looking for jobs in southern California to move closer to Russell, old friends, and my old home, as I had attended college in that area for four years! I had been taking my time in my job search, not feeling any rush and simply waiting for the right opportunity to present itself…until Hawaii. That really moved up my time table and motivation to move as we both wanted time together, not long-distance, before he left. As I pursued moving, God really opened up the doors for me to go and began to close doors for me back at home, confirming to me that moving was the right decision. I even found an awesome roommate, who I could move in with whenever I was ready! All I needed was a job.

After a couple of months of job searching, with only one interview and no real success, I grew discouraged. Time seemed to be slipping away as Russell’s departure grew near. I began to wonder if I was even supposed to move but things finally came to the point when my parents approached me and told me that they felt very strongly that I was supposed to just move. Immediately. Before I even had a job. I was shocked! I had been thinking I needed the security of a job first but they really encouraged me to move forward with the process. The next day, I checked into the possibilities and God totally opened the doors even further for me to go. I prayed about the whole ordeal and felt very confident that this was what I was supposed to do. All I needed to do was step out in faith and obedience, and simply go.

There were many things I felt as I decided on a Thursday to move away, from my hometown for good, on that upcoming Sunday. Part of me remained in shock. The idea of moving did not seem real to me yet. I could not have imagined that previous Sunday that I would be moving away the next week. I never would have guessed on that Wednesday that I would be spending the next Wednesday in SoCal, my old and new home. Despite my shock, I also felt excited and nervous. The plan felt so…natural. So right. I felt ready. Ready to go, ready for change, ready for a new chapter of my life to begin!

So here I am! I moved down to southern California into a whole new, exciting world and future. There have been times when I have been afraid, unsure how things would go and feeling insecure, but the Lord has provided for me every step of the way as I began to search full-time for a job and spend time with Russell. I am so thankful for this place where the Lord has brought me, how He has cared for me and grown me already in the short time that I have been here. He has really been building up my faith and challenging me in so many ways, and I am happy to say things are falling into place.

Less than two weeks after my arrival, I finally got a job, which I hope to begin training for next week! With encouragement from Russell, I have finally begun to write again, returning to a love that I have truly missed! I have been able to connect and re-connect with some great friends, including my sweet and awesome roommate! As far as Russell and I go, though his going is bittersweet, we will have a total of one month together before he goes, spending our time together to experience, learn, and grow in our relationship as much as possible before he goes, unfortunately, on Thanksgiving Day! A goodbye I am definitely not looking forward to but I cannot help being so thankful that he has been able to stay as long as he has been able!

So from where I sit, I really am thankful. Tomorrow is my birthday and I get to spend it with my sweet man, whom I love dearly! Not to mention, we get to go out with my friend, Lauren, and her husband on a double date! I could not ask for a better birthday. That’s all I need! I know there are tough times ahead but life is beautiful and I know the Lord is working things out for our good! I know that each moment is a gift, which I intend to spend wisely and enjoy. And I know that no matter what tomorrow brings, I can trust my Lord and my God to care and provide for me, draw me deeper into a loving relationship with Him as I pursue and obey Him, and show me each step to take one day at a time. I can truly say I am excited for this great adventure called life!

Speak Life

“But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.” –Matthew 5:22

It’s not too often that we think of name-calling as deserving the fires of hell. After all, some people just deserve to be called stupid for the idiot that they are, right? If a man is acting like a fool, call him for what he is. People who say ridiculous things, drive like maniacs, and wrong each other in a plethora of ways need to be put in their place. For us, since most of us do not hold positions that enforce moral behavior, name calling serves as our own minimal form of personal justice. After all, if we can’t have a person’s heads on a platter, we can certainly call them names. Besides, what harm does it really do?

Well, for starters, we all know that the line about “sticks and stones” is a complete lie. Words do hurt. Excruciatingly so, at times. They can tear us down and scar us for life, often causing more damage than physical abuse. We also know that words have the power to build up, to encourage and elevate (sometimes too much). But what about the people who “deserve” verbal insults? The ones who deliver unmerited foolish behavior that negatively impacts innocent bystanders? What does it matter if we call them names under our breath or even only in our hearts? Obviously, the person we call a fool has done something to elicit this response from us. They must deserve it, right? After all, they have committed the unfortunate crime of making our existence unpleasant.

In the verse above, Jesus is talking about how serious it is to insult each other; even thinking such insults toward another human being makes us guilty of murder in our hearts. Furthermore, 1 John 3:15 says, "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him." Wait a second. Murder? How could that be? Let us look a little deeper.

The word fool in the verse above translates to the word “raca,” a term of contempt and abuse meaning “empty one, worthless, good-for-nothing.” Now, the word fool is used throughout the Bible, but The Easton’s 1897 Bible Dictionary explains that this translation of the word is “only found in Matt. 5:22. The Jews used it as a word of contempt...derived from a root meaning ‘to spit.’”

Ouch. That’s pretty harsh. I had always thought of the word fool as a harmless equal to the word jerk. So harmless, I have allowed such words to dance carelessly off my tongue in countless melodies of justice. I never consciously intended to commit murder in my heart, but murder is not restricted to this one way that I have always understood it to be. In reality, not only is murder the physical action of taking away the life of a person but cursing the existence, the entire being, of a person.

Now, I believe that criticizing a person’s behavior is one thing but criticizing a person’s being is completely different. Focusing on the behavior is to point out flawed actions, which are common to man, narrowing in on hurtful and changeable attributes that impact others and need to change. Behavior can be described as rude, disrespectful, stupid, idiotic, and foolish without necessarily cursing the entire being of a person. In contrast, although assigning rude and disrespectful to the actual person is more direct than simply describing their behavior, I would submit that directing such names as stupid, idiot and fool at a person is to insult their entire being. To use these words, implying the venom behind the term “raca,” is to say that a person’s entire existence is empty, worthless and good-for-nothing. Thinking about it in these terms brings me to the conclusion that there is really no worse criticism for us to inflict on another human being.

All this to say that the words we assign to a person are important; we may surely use words to call behavior for what it is. We have a duty to confront each other but we are to do so in love, to “encourage one another and build each other up.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11) However, we must choose carefully the words we use to describe the person. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”

Unfortunately, we are mistreated by too many people in passing to confront every person for each wrong thing that is done to us. This is where things get murky and the instinct to invoke this “little revenge” comes into play. I know we may feel justified in this little revenge (and I’m saying we here), but this “small” thing really turns out to be a big and heinously evil thing in the eyes of the Lord. It is not up for us to determine whether or not a person deserves the insult. Romans 12:14 and 19 says, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse…Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’”

We are called to speak life over people, words that speak hope and truth not death, no matter how much we may feel they deserve it. The tongue is a powerful weapon that can destroy in ways we cannot know. James 3:8-9 says, “…but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.”

I don’t think we can fathom the eternal impact of our words, even in the silence of our hearts. If we have the power to pray with our words and speak in our hearts, initiating holy movement in the supernatural realms of our Lord, we had better believe that our words and the thoughts of our hearts have a power for evil in those same unseen places.

The words we say all come down to what we allow into our hearts. “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23) When we pursue Christ and pour His Word into our hearts, allowing Him to purify and have His way in us, His Spirit will empower us to love, practice self-control, and forgive. Our ability to rest in the promised justice of the Lord will expand and the words of life will flow from our hearts as we wait patiently in obedience. His peace will dilute the impact of the wrongs against us, liberating us from the constant misery of being overwhelmed by every negative and fleeting thing that happens in our lives and preventing us from committing murder in any form or fashion.

Anyone can love a friend but He gives us the power to love even our enemies. And hopefully, the words we speak will point even our enemies back to Him. Thank You Lord for freeing us, not only from facing an eternity without You, but from having to endure even the small ways that sin can hold us captive in our daily lives.

"Raca." Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary. 24 April. 2013. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Raca>.

Rain Awaiting a Rainbow

So…it has been almost five months since my last post. To be honest, I began one angry and unorganized venting blog months ago, which I have no intention of actually sharing since it was more for me than anyone else. I’ve also had several topics on my mind to write on but have only managed to make a few notes of my initial thoughts on each subject. Nothing too developed or worth sharing as of yet on those topics.

It’s hard to even know where to begin, really, with all of the ups and downs, sunrises and sunsets, smiles and tears.

To be brief, I spent the bulk of the last six months working full-time, from August up until three weeks ago, beginning with a couple of temp jobs and then being hired on for a committed career-driven job. Looking back on that whole six-month period, I really feel now like I had set my consciousness aside, my whole self, just being so enveloped in work and the pursuit of a career that I wasn’t meant for and didn’t even really want, but felt obligated to pursue. It has felt strange to be out of that mindset these last few weeks, to no longer be filled with the intent of purposefully pursuing a way of life that I don’t like. A way of life that is SO not me. And to be honest even further, being anything but myself really takes an emotional toll on me as a person, in every way. To do so makes me feel confined and depressed. This is the state I was driven to and soaked myself in, being so out of myself that I didn’t even realize I had been in that place for some time.

Now, here is a freebie for those of you who don’t know me well. I am good at pretending like I’m alright when I’m really dying inside. I can hide it well from most people, except maybe my mom and a few others, but even then... Generally, if you can see a trace of a broken heart in me, it’s ONLY because I’m letting you see it, possibly because I’m tired of holding it in. Not many know of the many colorful ways I have been hurt over the last six months. I hid my hurt with a big, fake smile and, due to the constant busyness of those months, I really neglected my need to deal with those painful things. At the end of the day, I would simply slump into silent stupor during a brief moment of stillness, stare off into space and…not deal with things.

Four weeks ago, near the end of this six month period, I actually found myself swallowed up in the daze of a sleepless night, despite being absolutely spent from whatever I did that day. It was raining that night and the moment made me nostalgic, so I wrote a blog without stopping or even looking at what I wrote. I crashed when I ran out of thoughts, certain that anything I had typed was incoherent nonsense.

However, a couple of weeks ago, I went back through and read my blog and it was not unclear as I thought it would be. To convey the state I was in that night, here is what I wrote:

“I hear the rain drive on steadily outside my window. I don’t remember the last time it rained here but I’ve missed it. The rain brings to me the comfort of safe memories and the cleansing sense of renewal.

            A night like this reminds me of a rainstorm during my sophomore year in college. I was twenty years old, carrying layers of pain on my disfigured young heart, and yet my wild sense of freedom came alive in the pouring night. I remember how cold it was but I didn’t care. I walked just outside my apartment, barefoot in the grass, stopping under the arms of the massive pine tree, to stand with my face upward into the oncoming shower of icy drops. I shivered more and more as the chill crawled its way into my bones but I stayed until I was soaked through.

            There is something refreshing to me about standing in the rain, face up, eyes closed and arms to the sky. Something I needed from that experience in that moment. This act certainly did not fix my tattered heart but I felt, in the most tangible way I could feel, the outward expression of God crying with my heart while my own tears remained as immovable stones inside me. I felt Him soften the hardened spirit that clenched my jaw shut, washing clean the soul of grime that paralyzed me on a daily basis.

            Hearing the rain tonight makes me want to go out and do that again, to let the rain soak me to my bones. But I’m afraid my free spirit is tired tonight and my naturally wild soul downcast within me. A powerful tension has been wearing on me in so many areas of my life as of late. I could point the finger of blame at the largest of those unpleasant matters, saying that my life would be better if that situation were different and the obstacles it brings removed, but the thread runs deeper. Much deeper.

            I feel my heart sitting quietly, trying not to look around and move too much, while wanting so desperately to just start flying. But I’m waiting for something. I’m waiting for the revelation of my purpose. Not in specific terms, of course, but the sense of what I’m ultimately meant to do. Who I’m meant to be. The days are beginning to blur together and the passion that typically exudes from my spirit has run low.

            I need to be refreshed. I need to be washed by the rain. Father, please send a rain to refresh my heart.”

Basically, I had come to a pretty dry place in my life. I was ready for some rain. Some refreshment and renewal. I would say that those things have definitely begun to rain down in my life over the last few weeks. The rain has begun to wash away the traces of the mask I wore, the pretend-me that I clung to for all those months. I have felt joy in breathing the clean air again, tasting the freedom of the raindrops over my lips.

I feel the rain softening me again. Re-working the setting for a fire to burn again.

At this point, I wish I could say that the rain has done all its work so I can look to the sky hopefully for my rainbow. In fact, the rain has begun to pour harder. Apparently, I need a little more pressure and cleansing before this storm will end and reveal the rainbow I’ve been dreaming about…but at least I’m not waiting for the rain anymore. I would rather feel this pressure, this washing away of hurtful things and bad habits, than to be where I was before. All I know right now is that I’m just glad to be myself again and “I’m never changing who I am” again.

So…there we are. I know this entry is not the most eloquent thing I have ever written. It may be blunt but it’s real and it’s honest, and those are the only feet I’m really interested in started with as I get back up to write again. I assure you, though, that the other topics I have had rolling around in my brain will come out eventually. More to come soon…