Here I am, twenty-two years old, and I have just graduated from college. I have really only ever envisioned my life up until now. I've had ideas for life afterward but nothing tangible to expect. Only ideas. And those ideas were all part of a background to the ever-present pressure of school work, the relieving joy of friendships that were nurtured and the daily life within the moment of college. But that is all closed and finished now. There is nothing new to add to my college experience. "When I was in college" is a now a lump phrase for me to use referring to a part of my life that is past. Whether I am ready or not, I have entered the realm of ideas.
I had always thought that each section of my life was divided into something like chapters. Don't we all? However, I'm finding there is much more to life that cannot be so simplified. I think now that, all my life, I have been going through chapters within different volumes of one book, but now I am beginning a brand new book completely. This is unknown territory. I don't know how to work my way through this. I had worked my way through the first book to the point where I had finally gotten the hang of things, only I didn't realize I was coming upon the end of the book. I thought I was simply skipping over to a new chapter. No matter how much I tried to prepare myself, I was not completely ready for this. (It's kind of funny...I hate surprises, but I think the Lord loves surprising me and making me like it. Even though I feel unprepared, I know it's through my weakness that He shows His strength and accomplishes what I think is impossible.)
You know how it is when you finish a really great book? There may have been some unpleasant parts that you had to work your way through and there are other parts you just had to read over again and again because it was so good that you just wanted to savor it, so you could remember its initial affect on you forever. When you are finished, whether it is overall good or sad, it will stay with you. But you have a choice: waste your life reminiscing over the same story until you've beaten it into the ground where it has lost all of its sweetness, its impact, or begin a new story.
Yes, the old story will always stay with you in some way. It will overlap and you will take parts of it along as you begin the next book. Maybe it will determine how you approach the new plot. Now, it is alright to look over the old story on future occasions and find some more sweetness in it again. But it will never have the impact of the first read. It's interesting how we can dwell on the past in efforts to preserve its sweetness, but the very thing meant to prolong the sweetness is what kills it after a while. You only read a book for the first time once and, so, refusing to move on from it is to dwell needlessly. We cannot, therefore, live in the past. We must begin our new story when the time comes.
There are surely things that I am taking with me from my old story into my new story, my new life. As I am adjusting, I am working through some of those last experiences of significant impact. Some of these things have been so very difficult. Things I have never gone through before. I fear that right now I am experiencing a time of sadness over many things and dealing with some anger as well, moving on from things that I have lost, that I don't understand. I'm trying to hold onto the Lord right now and, even though I've been rather childish with Him, He has still given me comfort and peace, for which I am thankful. I don't deserve it. I know that He is the only thing that I can put my hope in to help me let go of the sadness over missing the good things, heal me of the pain over the bad things and bring me out of my old book into the new one. I will not remain in that story. I am gathering up my new bearing and beginning the first chapters of this new book. As of right now I am simply going. The direction will come in time, however the Lord chooses to reveal it to me.
For today, thank you for reading,
Alz
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