To Heal in Christ and Move on from a Broken Dream

For three months I have been working through the most significant break-up I have ever gone through. At first, all the busyness with graduation distracted me and I thought I had already dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with. Sadly though, a few weeks before graduation it hit me really hard all of a sudden and my immediate reaction was very, very stupid. It took me at least a week to stop feeling so guilty about my reaction, especially because I had scared my best friend half to death. But I got right back up to pursue the right behavior again.

However, this has not prevented the emotional and spiritual struggles I have been going through. My reaction back then only awakened how I really felt about what I had been ignoring. The most dominant feeling that took over afterward, concerning the break-up, was sadness. Deep sadness.

Admittedly, although I have dated before, I really had never been in love, although any kind of crush may seem like love to a teenager, and there had never been anyone that I was truly open to marrying. Now, when I was young, my mom and I came up with a name for my future husband, so we could pray for him. Bring him up without having to say “my future husband” all the time. I don’t remember how old I was; it was at least elementary school. And so, I named him…Pete. Even though I’ve always had Pete in my mind, I went through a lot of heartbreak looking for him and I came to find that I was most happy when I was single. Seriously. I could do anything I wanted with my life, with God leading me of course. But I could pursue any career, move to any place, and live independently without having to answer to any guy. I reveled in total freedom.

When this relationship came along, it took quite a while for me to warm up to the guy. We became best friends, but it took over a year for me to be willing to date him and a couple of tries for it to even stick. Talk about persistence. By January, I had totally changed and I was convinced that this was it. This was Pete and I was happy with that. But only a month went by, a great month, before it came out that our core beliefs are not the same. We had been talking about spiritual things since the day we met, so we had assumed that we were both on the same page. But it happened that our different beliefs were over something we never fathomed needing to ask each other about and something absolutely necessary to agree on in order to continue a life together.

Another month went by, but it was an empty month. The only things that happened over that time were disagreement, pretending, avoidance, and growing distance. We had come to an impasse and it came time for it to end. And here I come back to the sadness that took me. It felt so wrong that things should happen the way they did, to go through so much struggle coming together only to break-up so quickly and finally. In contrast, with all the research and the people I had spoken with, I only became more solid and passionate about what I believe. It will never be changed to anything else.

After graduation, I went on a ministry trip to Puerto Rico for three weeks. I have been back for two weeks and it’s almost comical to me now how up and down I have been about everything. Being finished with school and adjusting to life without being constantly stressed out by homework. Accepting that I will never go back to live in that community of friends that I have known for four years; some of those friends I will probably never see again. Figuring out the next steps to take in my life. And then there is the break-up.

Last week, for the first time in three months, I felt angry about it. I had felt anger within the second month of the relationship, angry at the situation, not the guy. But this time I was angry at God. I think the anger had been there for a while but I would always cover over it quickly and focus on the sadness. I don’t usually get angry with God because I understand that things happen for a reason and that I am not meant to understand, while I am on this side of life, all that occurs. However, it came out and I finally had an honest conversation with God about it, if you can call it a conversation. I got it all out, my ups and downs, my questions and thoughts, all my venting, in twenty-two pages of journaling.

When I finished…I instantly felt better just having come out with it all. I didn’t even need an answer to the questions. It just made me feel better to have asked them. And you know what? Things have really been improving for me since then. My circumstances have not changed, but my spirits are lighter, my reasoning has become more positive and my relationship with God is growing again, all because I am came out into the open with Him. I always knew that God wants us to be perfectly honest with Him, even if it involves negative feelings, and I have done so in the past. But, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt the truth of that fact as the burden lifted from me instantly.

I have been reading this book since December called When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy, one of many books that I have attempted to read but have not had time for while I was in school. Yes, I know, some of the language in it is cheesy 90s language, but I think the book is fantastic. It’s mostly filled with things I already know, that I grew up with. But sometimes things you grew up with just need to be reinforced in a way that will make it meaningful to you again as an adult and in a time of need. When you really need to believe again in those things that you already know. And some of the ways Eric and Leslie deliver these truths have been new for me, causing for me to think about these things again.

I’m beginning to think now that I’ve gotten out of the general and am getting more into the specific, the guys who do come really close to what I am looking for but are just not quite right. It’s so strange how I thought the guys I liked in high school were so right, or at least really close, when they are so obviously wrong to me now. I was really off. It makes me wonder how any person can really know their soul mate in high school. I’ve changed so much; I’m not who I was in high school. I guess if you marry young though then you change with that person, but the single road keeps you constantly changing as an individual. So we must find the right person at the right time, at the same place in life that we are in.

I want to be the right kind of woman for Pete so that we will be right for each other at the same time. I know there are things I need to work on, but I’m beginning to see things that my Jesus wants me to see, so that I will settle for no less than Him and what He has for my life. I have not found my Pete. As long as I know that, I can wait. It has been made clear to me now that I had a choice between Christ and someone who, although dear to me, is not my Pete. Out of the two options, although extremely difficult, giving him up is the only one I could live with. Giving up my Jesus is never an option.