Excuses

Now, I know I have seriously neglected my writing lately, but I just realized that I have only posted one blog in the last three months. To be fair, I started a new job and spent a good deal of that time writing a couple of devotionals for a book. But then, there is always an excuse, isn’t there?

Whenever I take on a serious commitment, such as a new job, the passions of my life inevitably take a back seat. My family and friends, my writing and music, and most importantly, my relationship with Jesus. Despite all of my “good reasons” to save those things for another day, I know that some sacrifices are inexcusable.

There will always be something to steal my time and attention. There will always be a reason why I cannot devote myself to the people and things that I love. There will always be an excuse for allowing laziness to take hold of my life.

Therein lies the challenge; determining to make those things a priority in my life. To fight for the time and pray for the focus I need, regardless of the challenges that come up to block my way. I can fill my time with just about any project and, with plenty of logic, anything can be made important enough to supersede the essentials.

But where will that leave me in the end?

Dry and empty, wondering where the years have gone, where my life went. I don’t want to waste my life. I don’t want to lose the precious moments I have to do what I want to do. I don’t want to miss the opportunities I get to say what I want to say. What He wants me to do. What He wants me to say.

I have missed going the extra mile for time with my loved ones. I have missed writing. I have missed my music. I have missed my Jesus.

Spring Break has been a breath of fresh air for me. A merciful gasp, really, to take with me before another deep plunge back into the waters of the work world. Not to say that my job is a dreaded foe. I love my job! The challenge for me is the temptation to throw myself too much into my work. Over the break, I’ve had the chance to seek and savor Him more than I have in a long time, to see Him in a deeper way. And it has been…many things. Precious. Sobering. Romantic.

I know I will be slammed with challenges, literally, the moment I go back to work. Will I fall back into the way it was before? I’m sure I will stumble quite a bit, but I’m ready to make the time for the things that are important to me. I’m ready for faithful dedication to my loved ones, disciplined progress to my God-given dreams, and ardent devotion to my Lover and King. I’m ready.

And after all that we've been through,
And after all we left in pieces,
I still believe our lives have just begun.
‘Cause now the past can be outrun,
And I know You are the reason.
I still believe the best is yet to come.

-Best is Yet to Come by Red

Happy and Heartbroken

How is it possible to be so happy and heartbroken at the same time? How is it possible to cry with joy and thankfulness while wanting to cry over pain and difficult questions simultaneously? I don’t know how, but I feel the pull of both at once. There are so many blessings showering into my life right now, but there are so many other things going on around me that render me grieving.

An overwhelming amount of changes that I am afraid of are occurring, yet there are so many changes I am excited about. (I have always struggled over worrying about the future, probably something I will struggle with until the day I die.) This may sound oxymoronic but, although I am not traditional, I love traditions. I do things out of the ordinary, but I prefer consistency in some ways. I want something to rely on, something special to see and savor. I know that Christ is the only thing I can rely on, but I still have such a hard time dealing with change.

I miss the way my family used to go about the holidays. Those traditions have changed since my grandpas have both passed away and relatives my age are mostly married, starting their own families and even moving away. I miss the relationships I used to have with my friends. Those relationships are different now. Since graduation last spring, we have all spread out and we can’t just stop by and see each other the way we used to. Other friends are in relationships, engaged, married, having kids, moving, becoming different people. Overall, there is growing apart taking place.

In addition to the general change of life, there is the suffering of others around me that is burdening my heart. Family and friends struggling with or losing their jobs, husbands going to the hospital for heart problems, an adoption being reversed on a couple who fell in love with a child. I am definitely a fixer. I want to do something to make things the way I think they should be. To serve justice, according to me. But I am not the authority and I am not the Holy One who can make a perfect judgment. It is not within my control to fix everything for everyone. That is a humbling thought and certainly a difficult desire to harness.

Finally, there is the spiritual struggle of others around me. People I know who are so lost, empty and without hope. All I can do is point them to the One who comforts and fills me, knowing that, aside from prayer and offering my shoulder to cry on, there is really nothing I can personally do for them. (Again, with the fixing…) Children who have never heard of Jesus or, if they have, they think that He is dead, not knowing that He is their God, their Creator, their Father. That He is alive and He loves them. That He is with them and they don’t need to be afraid of falling asleep alone or dying. Trying to share that hope, but met with the inability to understand and discouraged by the continuation of that spiritual void.

And yet, despite all this, I am so excited about life and the opportunities that the Lord is opening up for me. Not so I can find success, wealth and comfort, but so I can be a blessing in the lives of others, bring Him glory in all that I do and allow Him to accomplish His will for my life. I am so happy about the refining and healing process He is putting me through, even though it is painful, so I can be who He wants me to be. I am so thankful for the answered prayers and the people He is putting into my life, right when I need them, so that I can see how He cares and provides for me, always.

Nothing is certain now, as far as the opportunities go, but He is leading me down a path that I know has been secured and blessed by Him. The refining and healing will surely be accomplished as I daily surrender myself and allow Him to shape and mold me like clay. And I must have faithfulness, relying on Him alone to supply all of my needs.

I rejoice in how amazing and merciful my God is for every moment that He loves me, for all of His unearned blessings and for never giving up on me. And I choose to trust Him with all of the things that are grieving my spirit because He is the Lord over all that burdens a human heart.

Progressively Set-Apart

            I am so excited about the future. My expectations have gone through some periods of serious morphing, especially throughout my college experience, and now I see how selfish all of those expectations were. I wanted my college experience to unfold this way, for my love story with a guy to unfold that way, and my career path to go just so, all the while praising Jesus for doing things my way.  I wanted a mechanical and somewhat predictable life. I wanted to be “just like everybody else.” I wanted to be understood and happy. To prove wrong all those who had ever challenged me and shame those who had ever rejected me. I just knew I had a "right" to all these things. A right to myself.

            I didn’t see then that there is a life possible for me that is so much more than what I ever imagined for myself. Not because it contains the world’s version, or even my own version, of success. Not because I would experience the most romantic love story with a guy that I could ever fathom. Not because I would attain riches, beauty, or recognition. It is because it contains a love beyond anything this world can hold for me. One of forgiveness and renewal, where all my hurts become unimportant in comparison to the affirming acceptance I find and all my vices become completely alterable by the steady hand I have to hold.

            I find I do not need to worry about the future, since I have no control over how it will unfold anyway, because God, my Love, holds my future in His hands, writing it Himself and guiding me with an even better purpose than I could create for myself. How can I, a tiny being limited in my own understanding of existence, ever orchestrate my own course and purpose when He is the One that sees, knows and understands all? He is the One who created me! Of course He is going to know the specific purpose I was created for and enable me to fulfill it.

            I just finished reading Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. Absolutely fantastic. One point that she makes, in paraphrasing a quote by Oswald Chambers, is that by realizing the reality of Christ, our one true Love and Purpose, “we are never bothered again by the fact that we do not understand ourselves, or that other people do not understand us. The only One who truly understands me is the One who made me and redeems me…” I have always been so concerned about finding someone to completely understand me, but I had never thought of it quite that way before…that it shouldn’t bother me that there is not one human on this planet who can understand every aspect of me, even myself. He understands me far better than even I do.

            When I think about it, there are some friends I can go to who can understand certain parts of me but cannot relate with other parts. Then there are some friends who can relate with those parts, but do not understand what my other friends do about me. There are always those gaps. Even between family members. But that’s okay. We were not designed to understand every single aspect of everybody else because then we would find that fulfillment in someone other than God.

            I know that the only person who would ever come close to fully understanding me would be my future husband, who I call Pete. That is, if I am meant for marriage. But you know what? I’m not worried about it, because the purpose that drives my life is beyond the necessity of being married. If I get married, then it will be fantastic because it is the direction in which God has directed my life in order to better fulfill His purposes. If not, then I can be just as satisfied because that means being unmarried is more advantageous in enabling me to fulfill the ultimate purpose of my life.

            I find the more I give my life and my future over to the Lord, I am not so hung up on things going a certain way. By default, not by discouragement, I imagine my future as a single person and I am thrilled by the ideas I entertain of serving the Lord, growing closer with Him in the most intimate ways, being satisfied in Him and His understanding of me alone, and allowing Him to use me as His instrument to show Himself to others. I am excited over Him continually improving me, the possibilities and knowing that, whatever happens, it will be good and I will love it.

            If I do have a Pete, only when he is revealed to me will I have a reason to imagine, with any solidity, my life any other way. And that is fine by me. I would rather be single, with my heart and inner sanctuary for Him kept intact the way He intended, than to settle and rush into a marriage that I would regret because of discontented impatience and insecurity. If that were to be the case, then let me be single all the days of my life. I will not settle and I will not worry about my future. There is too much to be ecstatic about today.

The Plight of Worry

            There is a season for everything in life. Some seasons are experienced more thoroughly or at more frequent intervals than others. I am facing a familiar sort of season in my life right now - one of change, to be very general - but am experiencing it in an entirely new setting.

            I know that it is pointless to dwell on and worry about the future because it does not “add a single hour to [my] life.” (Matthew 6:27) This has been a constant struggle of mine throughout my life, which I have become better about recently; I have accepted my present circumstances for the way they are and I am no longer agonizing over the many unknowns. In fact, I am rather excited about the prospective future by leisurely imagining its possibilities, as opposed to fretting over exactly what in the world will happen.

            In college, I honestly had no clue whatsoever as to what I would do or where I would go after graduation. During the first half of school, I didn’t worry so much, reasoning that I had plenty of time to figure it out and convinced it would “just come to me.” Junior year, as is typical for juniors, I panicked. Yes, I was one of the many who fell prey to the oh-so-common Junior Panic.

            Halfway through the year, I found a passion for a certain fallback plan. Over the next year, I acquired a new passion, which surpassed the first, and my plan changed. By the time I graduated, the plan attached to that second passion, which was to teach English overseas, simmered away as I rediscovered that teaching is not my gift at all.

            So there I was…a recent college graduate, my safety net and solid plans dissolved just as soon as I had managed to get out. No amount of planning or worrying about the future had done me any good. I was back at square one. I have found that you can plan your entire life and arrange your whole world, but that does not set your plans into motion. Anything can come up, rendering such things in life beyond your control.

            This brings me to my current season. After plenty of worrying over the summer, I came to find myself in a place I never could have planned. Astoundingly, the Lord brought me everything I needed at exactly the right time and not a moment sooner. Experiences. Opportunities. Relationships. Finances. Passions. Ideas.

            I am not yet settled and secure in the direction of my life. There are quite a few things that I am still experiencing, things I must learn before I may be solid in the sense of career and living situation. I find myself in a very sizable in-between stage right now, where nothing is sure, only infinitely possible. Nothing is predictable, only insecurely probable. There is no point in predicting anything, as there is usually something greater that comes along, seemingly out of nowhere, altering the entire situation and its previously assumed outcome.

            I am no longer a part of the life I once knew, a life that was all I knew, and I am at a loss at the life I will have, even one year from now. It is a life in which nothing is secure, in which I have nothing to cling to for assurance but my Jesus. I feel the thin wire that my life lives upon right now. Its fragility. Its vulnerability. If He so wills, it could all fall apart and be gone, but He is the One holding it all together. Again, I see how I cannot be the one to hold up my life. I have no control. I have no power.

            This period He has me in, I feel, is engineered specifically for the deepening of my reliance on Him and becoming exactly who He wants me to be. My focus has been narrowed to a handful of things that need a lot of attention, effort, and cherishing. I am planting now for the harvest so that I may be ready in those few, but important, areas when the time comes to move on from my present season.

            As I am focusing on a specific few of important things right now, there are other certain elements of my life that have necessarily been put off to be saved for later. Things I miss to the point of inner struggle and things I thought I was ready to experience that I am really not ready for at all. Sometimes I feel like such a mess, so far from being prepared, that I wonder if I will ever be ready enough to experience some of those things. But that is another thing I am learning…not to worry, but to trust that I will be ready for whatever I am being prepared for, all in perfect timing and not a moment sooner. And it will be beautiful.

Ten Years Since "a day that will live in infamy..."

Ten years ago today became “a day that will live in infamy” as our country was attacked on its own soil. Countless lives were lost as people were following daily routines that never should have brought them to death. A modern version of Pearl Harbor surprise was enacted as I slept away safe in my bed. I was twelve years old and I had never even heard of the World Trade Center.

Now, that day is an unmistakable monument in our history. Songs have been written, films have been made and policies have been changed. The war continues on as we battle the evil manifestations of the pure evil that wreaks havoc and wages war within the spiritual realm. We can never be free of witnessing the evil that surrounds us in this world until the day that our King returns to vanquish the enemy.

I have to say, though, that there is such a joy and peace in seeing the increased patriotism we share. Patriotism is one of the ten things that can really make me cry. Through all the years of watching television programs, listening to interviews, seeing pictures, reading articles and hearing stories, our unique sense of patriotism has become so beautiful to me. For one, after all the civil warring and discrimination, seeing our diverse country come together in a time of grief becomes all the more moving and precious.

Patriotism is hope because it brings us together when hopelessness would surely tear us apart. Patriotism is peace because it gives us a reverence for the relationships in our lives and works to dissolve discord. Patriotism is justice because it involves standing up for what is right and fighting for the ones we love. (Peace and fighting…I know, that sounds like a contradiction, but it brings peace among us so we can stick together and we fight the attacker in defense.)

Patriotism contains stories in which personal experience is shared and souls are bonded. Stories in which we glimpse the good that is worth fighting for and the contrasting side that we must constantly choose to resist. We find stories of sacrifice and separation, heroes and villains, love and heartache, courage and honor.

Patriotism makes me cry because the stories I have heard about that day ten years ago are the stories that only seem to exist in fiction. A lot of times I feel like the world has become so black that all is lost and I should not even put in the effort of spreading the light. But that is exactly what the enemy wants…for us to stop trying. To conclude that all is lost, so why even bother? No! We must bother!

It is so good to see that there is still goodness, honor and sacrifice in this world. That these things exist in regular people today and have not been reduced simply to the characteristics of a fairy tale. That there are people who can still love their fellow man and risk their lives for someone they have never met. I cannot express how deeply moving it is to me...all of the rebuilding and the monuments erected. The firefighters that lined the streets of New York in respect as the Ladder 3 fire truck was driven to be placed in the memorial center on the site of ground zero. All of the time, thought and effort taken to honor and remember those that were lost...it's so beautiful.

My pastor (who was once in the Navy) mentioned today that we love our soldiers, policemen and firefighters because they exemplify these characteristics that Christ possesses. He is our Rescuer filled with love, honor, goodness, courage and sacrifice. We must endure the experiences of death that go on around us every day, but we can rest assured in the fact that He has won the power over death. He has already conquered the enemy and will, one day, wipe out death once and for all. He will have the victory and the ultimate enemy will be defeated.

Until then, we continue to honor the memory of those we lost ten years ago. We must continue to pray for the families as they know all too well the pain that death brings and still suffer from the loss of their loved ones. We honor the memory of all the soldiers, policemen and firefighters that have given up their lives to save others as a result of this horrific attack on our country.

We will never forget. And He will be victorious. He will make all things new.

“Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise also partook of the same, that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives.” -Hebrews 2:14-15





The projection of the newly completed World Trade Center and 9/11 Memorial.

Stronger

It has been exactly four weeks since I posted my last blog. I have been working on two other entries but I just haven’t felt moved to post them. With all this time gone by, many things have happened and I have been overwhelmed with all the topics I could write about. Some things have been difficult, both emotionally and spiritually taxing. Other things have been fabulous, filled with unbelievable joys and amazing blessings. I will probably have to write more than one blog to share the most important things…but here is one.

For a couple of those weeks, memories of an old and familiar sort came slipping back into the forefront of my mind. It’s funny, when you remember something that you never actually forgot, just how the present events of your life can change the flavor of those memories and readjust the light by which you see them. The present experiences can shed a new light on the past, changing and deepening our understanding of who we are today. Why do we the things we do? Why do we see the world the way we see it? Why do we relate and interact with others in the manner that we do? It all goes together.

These memories have occasionally produced a grieving process in me over the way my family has been. However, this time I did not grieve over those lost family dynamics that I always longed for, simply for the sake of having those loving, ideal relationships that I had the “right” to enjoy like so many of my friends did with their families. No. This time, I had to grieve over the way I have turned out as a result of those relational deprivations.

There are so many things I do not like about myself, things that would not exist in me if things had been different. Personal struggles and negative traits that I have acquired as a result of things being the way they were. I know if it wasn’t this set of issues it would be something else, but I kept thinking that “something else” would have been made up of normal, easier issues. And yes, I used the word normal. There IS such a thing as normal in such instances.

I have been thinking of a certain song, and lately coming across, multiple times, the Bible verses it is based on. Don’t worry about your life ‘cause if you hold it too close you’ll lose it. (Rebecca St. James) I have found that I really haven’t been holding on too tightly to things that I have in my life, but things that I do not have. I have been holding onto my “right” to have had a whole and close family. My “right” to be emotionally secure. My “right” to have healthy relational skills.

These issues are the things I struggle with about myself now. Usually I don’t worry about these things this much but they became much more apparent and particularly difficult all at once and they overwhelmed me. I was so frustrated that I thought, “If these things in my past had gone right then I wouldn’t be dealing with these stupid issues now. I wouldn’t be so emotionally unstable and relationally handicapped. I wouldn’t be so awkward, insecure and complicated.”

Most significantly, my struggle traces back to this fact: certain hurtful things that occurred in my family, during my growing up years, are what planted the negative seeds deep inside me that resulted in the most crucial struggle I have in my relationship with God now. My perception of Him has been so wrong, but it has been hard to see anything else when this image of Him has always been the primary view I have been exposed to. I know what the Bible says about Him and what His character is really like, but I have not operated on default as if I believe that. I have automatically interacted with Him as though He were entirely different from what I know Him to be.

Although I know He forgives me, I behave as if He will not take me back without holding my sin against me and making me feel guilty for it. When I have made even the slightest mistake, my first gut-reaction has been to run away and cower in fear because, surely, at the snap of a finger, He would abandon His approving smile and begin to scream at me in His wrath. When I ask for forgiveness, my perfectionist nature tells me that, because He can see so clearly into my future, He knows how soon I will commit the same act again, rendering my apologies pointless and unacceptable until I really change. I have believed that I am a second-rate child of God; that I just came along with the package deal and have no real purpose in the Kingdom of God. And I have believed that He doesn’t really care to know me at all.

These are the lies I have lived by from my childhood. I have had an influence in my life that has pounded these messages into my heart, not on purpose, but through hurtful actions and unmeant words. In addition, I know the enemy has been sure to reinforce these lies again and again. Consequently, I have been torn, mixing the God I know Him to be with the God I have projected Him to be. I have held Him at an arms length, not realizing that His heart has only been breaking for me to come to Him as I am.

“For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.” Psalm 139:13-16

He doesn’t want me to go away and leave Him alone, to shut up and not be a bother. He loves me. He made me. I have tried so hard, for most of my life, to mind my own business and not rock the boat. To be invisible when, all this time, He wanted me to stop hiding from Him and beating myself up, because it is certainly not His intent to beat me up. His intent is to love me and use me for good things. We were born to be a part of something holy. (Stellar Kart) I am no exception to that.

Since this most recent grieving process, I am again accepting the way things have turned out. The way I have turned out. Because, thank the Lord, I am not stuck this way. He is the only One who has the power to change me.

No, my life has not turned out perfectly or even as clean as others I know. But it is all for His purpose. I see now that not everyone was made to deal with the same things that I have dealt with. I was chosen to handle these things. I was equipped to handle these things. Some people were not made to reach their fullest capacity of use by having a squeaky clean life, just as others were not made to reach their fullest capacity of use in having a heinously messy life.

Let’s face it though, everybody’s life is at least a little messy. No perfect story makes it onto the bookshelf. Life is messy. My life is messy. And although I can imagine some really great scenarios of how wonderful and perfect my life could have turned out, after allowing myself to run through some realistic alternatives, I ended up seeing that none of those alternate lives would be capable of all the things that my life is capable of now. I see how the life I have lived is more usable to God in the lives of others than the life I would have chosen for myself. And, ironically, those things that hurt me can be used, in many ways, to make me better in the long run than if I had been completely shielded from experiencing anything. They have made me stronger. They will make me stronger. He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger. (Mandisa)

The fear left me when I took a breath.

“Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within you.” –John 7:38

I didn’t wait long after testing the water to jump right into the shallow entrance of the sea. There was an ocean before me and I was there to plunge into the waves and reduce my life on the beach to a mere memory. It was a little cold, but I was so overjoyed with the fact that I could swim I didn’t even bother to take much notice.

As I made my way deeper, I could more easily dip myself under the surface for a taste of the joy and wonder I found there. When the water became too deep, most of my body remained underneath. But the waves were coming. The introduction to my new life here was ending and the wonder of its beginning was to be faced with challenges.

The waves grew bigger and I practiced my maneuvers, not to escape them, but to go through them. I remembered the early lessons of my swim teacher and his instruction led me on, although I did not follow the later instructions he had given me because I had not yet put them into practice and understood how to use them. I grew weary, but I was confident that if I withstood the testing waves of challenge, I would reach the calmer seas beyond. Then, the simple life would return. I would then reach my ultimate goal.

The waves were more challenging than I would have thought. I was thrown quite a bit and for a long time. My knees were shot into sharp rocks, my elbows received gashes and I’m sure there were a few bruises. I had to kick my way to the surface for air and my lungs burned like fire. Several times, I even found I had been shot back to where I was before in more shallow waters. The tide was wretched.

It was then I realized that I had begun to practice the later instructions of my teacher through all of these waves, the more advanced material. It had made me stronger and I finally made it through the waves before me. I could not have done it without him. Surely, even in the shallow depths I would have failed.

At last, I made my way to the calmer and deeper sea. The massive waves of my past were behind me, but they had left me tired and worn. I held my breath at first so I could float and rest on the surface somewhat. After a time, I had caught my breath and I turned to the open sea to continue on.

It was then that I realized…I must have sprained my ankle in the turmoil. There had been more damage done than I thought. It was so painful to swim. I didn’t like this. Now that I was out where I could swim deeply, I was hurting too much to do so the way I had wanted. Should I go back to give up? To rest and start over? Once I got out of the water, there would be no guarantee that I would want to get back in. No. I wanted to carry on from where I was. I would just have to endure the pain.

My swim was a slow and hobbling venture. Sometimes I would go underneath the surface and rely mostly on my arms to get me by, that is, until I healed. I remained that way for a long time…too long. I made it a habit of dipping down every so often, relying on the support of the water to keep me afloat just below the surface as I travelled, and then I would come up for air and kick hard to keep myself above. I thought I was making great progress. I was going further and further out, but I was still growing weary. I had to stop and rest often and the sun had come out, so that did not help.

I kept on with this cycle and the time crawled by. I couldn’t understand why I was having such a difficult time. I wasn’t growing in this life. I was only getting tired. This wasn’t the life that was promised to me. All I had gained was a life of pain and struggle. The only relief I really ever felt was when I was underneath, completely submerged in the sea. To be surrounded by the depths of the life I chose, not merely travelling through. I didn’t like that my head was left out of the wonderful feeling for so much of the time. Not to mention, I was getting a sunburn too.

Finally, my frustrations caught up with me and I stopped. Where was this life leading me? I didn’t want to give up because I still had hope for discovering what I had been looking for, longing for, seeking to fill myself with. But I was at a loss. I hadn’t found it. I knew I was close but it was somehow eluding me.

As I lied floating on the surface, quiet and still, I heard something beneath me. A sound. An echo. A voice. Was it here? Had it been there all along? It had not occurred to me before. It was clear that I had given up my life on the land. There really was no reasonable way I should survive out here. Why did I ever think I would be able to live out here as if I still lived on the land? As if I were going back? There was no going back. I had come out here to die to myself.

It had never been about how far across the surface I could go. It was about how deep I could go. There had been an entire level of existence below me that I had been missing, because it hadn’t seemed logical. It was crazy. My purpose, all along, was to go deeper into the depths of this sea.

I was hesitant as I thought this out. But what did I have to lose? All I knew was that being underneath is where all my joy came from. I slipped myself beneath the glassy sea, letting it cover me like a blanket. I sank further and further. I closed my eyes.

The fear left me when I took a breath.

My eyes darted open. My body was well and alert. I had died to my old self by taking that breath and found that I was alive…because I didn’t need the air. I felt the full extent of the living water inside me. Believe it or not, I laughed. I smiled and threw back my head in joy. In wonder, I was no longer absorbed with the travelling and the distance. I moved about slowly, twisting down head first to challenge the direction of gravity. Turning upward to see my hair floating above me, following me down.

I was surprised that I did not descend into darkness. The ocean floor was light and I could see the sun glinting of the endless shades off fish and other creatures. I swam closer and discovered the beauty of this creation. All the sights I had been missing. Every detail my eyes captured deepened my knowledge of the sea’s character. It became even more wondrous and mysterious to me than before. I wanted to see more.

I became lost in the wonders of my new life. It has by no means been perfect nor shall it ever be so. I have faced dark crevices and frightening sights. I know there is more to come. But my ankle has healed. Wounds that I received during my early experience in the waves have left some scars that will never go away. I will always be reminded of how I got them. But the memory of pain has been dimmed and I can live with those scars. As long as I am in the place of this marvelous light, I will continue to grow closer to what really matters. The journey has taken me deeper into the heart of the sea.

I can never know all there is under the surface. It's too grand and endless for me to comprehend. I can only explore it in parts, get to know those parts as much as I am able and then I will at least know the character of the sea in general. I will understand a bit better the parts I will not make it to in this life. Others will explore many of those different parts. I may pass some of them by and learn about the places I have not been to before, the things I have not seen. I may go where they have gone too and I may need to remain content with only knowing about their experience. I will stay where I need to stay or continue on to the next place I need to go.

I don’t know where I’m going, but as long as I am submerged, exploring the character and the vastness of this sea, I will only grow within its depths. I don’t know where I will come out, but I know that when I do it will be on the other side, on brighter shores. And I don’t know what all awaits me on that shore, but I know that my journey in this place will be over and a new journey, whole and everlasting, will begin.

Never Forget the New Song

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay; and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. And He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear, and I will trust in the Lord." -Psalm 40:1-3

To this day, I am still reminded that, by nature, I was an extremely happy child. However, when I was ten years old things started to get rough for my family. The worse things got, the more I held onto Jesus for dear life. The song “Hanging On” by Everyday Sunday soon became my anthem for getting by. 

We all have seeds of different emotions; we go through and feel each one from time to time. My seed of anger was so miniscule because of my strong inclination to be happy. My happy seed must have been enormous! And yet, as the years passed, and despite my determination to hold onto and follow Christ, my seed of anger was watered and I steadily became a very, very angry person. I did not experience the emotion of anger every moment of every day, but at my core I became a seether over many things. Most would have never known; I hid it well. Since I wasn’t naturally this way it took a few years to provoke this emotion out of me to such a large extent and it slowly made its way to the surface so that I could whip out fury at the snap of a finger in order to protect myself. A defense mechanism, I suppose.

Yes, I was angry. I was angry at my family, friends who rejected me, boys and occasionally God. I did not resort to everything under the sun to ease the pain. I really did try to give things to the Lord on a regular basis. However, I was still young and I did not behave perfectly by any means. I still made mistakes and I allowed my anger to get the best of me on countless occasions. Behavior of acting out that I am now ashamed of, although I don’t know that I would have done things differently with the way things were, being in the place I was at the time. And this anger, accompanied by some vividly foolish behavior, followed me well into college.

I look back now at who I was then, how I was. I can hardly believe that the girl I remember was really me. But then, I know that if I had looked forward in time to who I am now…I would not have been able to believe that either. I could not have imagined living in peace with my family. (I remember wondering how I was ever going to make it to my eighteenth birthday before moving out of my house.) I could not have fathomed living without the pain I felt everyday. And I could not have believed that I would ever know what it was like to live again without such anger. Living life according to my hurt.

The old blog from my freshmen year of college, which I included in my previous blog entry, was a milestone in my walk with God. I don’t think I had ever felt joy like that even when I was a child. I think that’s when the change really began in me, although the anger certainly did not go away overnight. It had been nurtured for too long and, therefore, had to be weeded and excavated out of me.

I have a label for each of my college years. Freshmen year was the most difficult year spiritually. Sophomore year was the most difficult year emotionally. Junior year was the most healing year for me. (Senior year was the biggest year for direction and self-discovery.) Over the course of junior year, it seems the majority of that underlying anger evaporated. By the year’s closing, I made final peace with my older brother who I hadn’t spoken with in almost a year. (This was not the first time we had gone so long without speaking. A few times we had gone longer.)

The Lord has done such an amazing work in me that I can literally mean it when I say that I am a different person. I am not who I was.

But here is the punch line…over the last year, the passion I found three and a half years ago, through my revelation, has waned. I have gotten to the point where I can talk about God, then come home at the end of the day and realize that I really have forgotten all about Him. I haven’t taken the time to consistently be in His Word, or even talk with Him, listen to Him and enjoy His presence. It’s been so off and on that it has lacked the depth I could have been experiencing with Him. I have gotten caught up with my days and become too lazy to devote my time to getting closer with Him one-on-one. I would feel guilty for neglecting Him and, therefore, neglect Him some more, doing the same thing over and over again without ever changing.

This last week, however, I have been getting this feeling…I’m just getting so tired of doing the same things. Living for myself. Reverting to bad attitudes. Repeating the same music over and over, the kind that only gets me down and takes my focus away from God. It’s true that whatever you put into your head goes down into your heart and comes out through your actions. I have gotten past the point of innocently listening to certain kinds of music. I got so addicted to drowning selfish and unhopeful music into my brain to the point where my uplifting music was not even appealing anymore. And that is saying a lot!

In addition, I have been thinking about my past self a lot lately and it really just hit me the other night. I remembered a story from the book Every Young Woman’s Battle. A woman had a dream that she was at her wedding reception. She went around the entire room seeing her friends and family, enjoying it all by herself. But then she realized, “Oh wait, where’s the groom?” She looked over and saw him standing in the corner in tears, looking down at the wedding ring on his finger. Forgotten. She had forgotten him. It was then that she realized that this is what she had done to God. He is our beloved whom we have forgotten.

The combination of growing weary from my empty behavior, remembering the change that God has made in my life, and thinking of this metaphorical dream…I was feeling troubled and I began looking for some verses to console me. But what I found instead were the verses above. Right then, the Lord really grabbed hold of my heart. I felt so ashamed. How could I have forgotten my God? How could I have neglected Him who has done so much for me? If I had not held onto Him as much as I did growing up, how much more angry would I have been or still be? How much more destructive would my behavior have been? Without Him the healing I know now would not have come. I would not be who I am today. The anger would not have decreased.

Today, it is so difficult for me to get angry anymore. It is not just waiting below the surface, waiting to snap up at any moment in self-defense. I feel how it has gone back down and shrunk, much closer to the way it used to be.

But how could I have lost my passion when I have this miracle to remember every day? I guess that brings me back to my problem of being too visual. I often forget what I do not see. I cannot see Him physically, but I can see the changes He has made in my life and remember them. I know that God wants all of me. Not bits and pieces, but my whole heart.

Please Lord, take all of my heart and don’t give it back. Help me to give You all of me everyday. Every moment of my life. Please don’t ever let me forget Your love or take You for granted. Guide my life in the way that will bring You the most glory. You deserve no less from me. Forgive me for my neglect of You, for my selfishness and misuse of the time You have given me. Make me faithful and continually deepen my gratitude for all Your blessings. Draw me close to You.

I know this is rather long and maybe tedious to read, but I hope and pray that we will not be satisfied with taking our God for granted. Who really wants to settle for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when we have been invited to a tremendous feast with our King?

Flashback to My Freshmen Revelation

The below text is a blog that I wrote in February of my freshmen year of college, when I was nineteen. I called it "My Revelation." I have grown up putting my faith in Christ; I made the decision to follow Him when I was six. In all my years as a child, I was so passionate about my love for Him, sharing Him with others. When I got older, I still loved Him, but that passion had dulled drastically. This flashback is Part One of a two part blog. Part Two, which I will post sometime within the next few days, will be a response to Part One, concerning where I am with this today (not really about the guy aspect included but my relationship with Christ) and how the things God is currently showing me ties into this lesson that I learned three and a half years ago. I have removed only a few details here and there since this blog page is more private than the one I originally posted this blog in. Here it is:

"…that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives. For assuredly He does not give help to angels, but He gives help to the descendant of Abraham. Therefore, He had to be made like His brethren in all things, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For since He Himself was tempted, in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted."-Hebrews 2:14b-18

On Friday I went to the beach by myself. I've been meaning to for a few weeks now. I needed to get far away and talk with God alone. Growing up as a Christian, I've been so ingrained with the concepts of God, that it is a lifestyle I don't think I could really change about myself even if I tried. But something has been missing from my walk with God that I have not been able to identify until that day on the beach. God spoke to me in my head. He said I needed to be personal with Him. The word that stuck out to me was "personal". I came to find yesterday that I am a Christian. I have a relationship with God, but like my mom has told me, it's been a business relationship. I know the concepts and believe the same things as God and I've "worked with Him" in pursuing the same goals. I have always been "for His mission statement" and wanted to be in love with Him beyond anything else in my life. But I haven't.

I wondered what was wrong with me because I haven't had the passion I've seen in others. The passion where I just can't contain my love for Jesus and can't help but share His Word and His love. Only when I was a child, but things in my growing up years have made that passion die down. I've had spiritual highs and I've ached and desired to have that emotional attachment to God. I did everything I knew that Christians were to do in such a situation so I could have that kind of relationship with God. But I never got it. I even got to the point this past summer where I started to question my salvation. If I didn't have the passion for God you're supposed to have, then how could I really be a true follower, right? 

For a while after my summer confusion, I put this all aside, lived in denial, went off to school and got into possibly the worst spot spiritually and emotionally I have ever been in. Relationships I once had to keep me up were gone. Right from the beginning of school, I tried to make a random relationship be the solution to my problem and it failed miserably. I saw an ugly side to men and human nature in general, driving me away from any desire for a guy/girl relationship. In the few months since, I have been coping and dealing with some new wounds that were ultimately inflicted by me. Finally, I made that trip to the beach and I asked God what I needed to do to have that kind of relationship with Him. He told me I needed to change my business relationship with Him into a personal relationship. I was surprised at how promptly and clearly God answered me when I asked Him. And I asked another question. "How in the world am I supposed to do that?" I now knew the "what" but not the "how."

This brings me to yesterday when I read the verses quoted above. I've heard and read such things before, but it never clicked with me until yesterday, after all the experience I had been chewing on. God used the devils own specialty against him…death. Through death He saved us and rode in on the horse as our hero. He's already won, just because of that! He freed me from the things I ultimately feared and had hanging over my head. He went through such great lengths…for me! No human guy could or would do that! The most a human could do to show their love is to "lay [their] life down for [their] friends." But Jesus did more than what any human being could do to save me out of His melting love for me, and He didn't even have to! He could have done the bare minimum to save us or not at all but He went all out! That's more of a hero and love than I could find in any guy. How could I not be crazy about someone like that? Who sacrificed that much and went through that much trouble for me? And because of everything He did, He can relate to me and my temptations and fully understand me. He is my prince, the One I've been looking for all along. I just never really got it that way before.

I think I was just so blind that I needed to see the dirtiness of man next to the holy, ga-ga, love of God has for me. I needed to be scared away from guys so I could wake up, smell the coffee and see just how great God is. He loves me more than any human could and He is now what I want more than anything. No guy is the solution to my life's problems. That's not fair to him anyway; that's a lot of pressure for a guy. I've found the filling for my hole that I knew was the filler all along but never desired it the way I needed to. I was putting boys on a pedestal for ultimate happiness in life for so long. I knew God should be my number one, but deep down, guys were above Him in my head. I'm a very visual person; I can physically see guys and that was easier for me to put my faith in.

But this whole experience was a mind-blowing, spiritual-clicking revelation for me. I will find my ultimate satisfaction in God. If He wants me to be with a guy someday, I'll leave it to Him to bring him along. He knows what's right for me and what I need. And it will be so that we can both be stronger in God and bring glory to Him better as a couple and because He wants to bless me with someone wonderful.

Jesus will be my best friend no matter where I go in life. He will be my romance, my Divine Romance. If I were to dance with Him, He would be the most kind and polite partner if I stepped on His toes. He's my mighty knight in shining armor. He's the gentle giver of white roses to me to remind me of my purity in Him and His love for one who was once dirty with sin. Through Him I can be white and pure in every way. I could still be filthy and worthless, but because of Him I'm not. He loved me enough to clean me up and keep me with Him forever. And that is something to fall in love with.

To Heal in Christ and Move on from a Broken Dream

For three months I have been working through the most significant break-up I have ever gone through. At first, all the busyness with graduation distracted me and I thought I had already dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with. Sadly though, a few weeks before graduation it hit me really hard all of a sudden and my immediate reaction was very, very stupid. It took me at least a week to stop feeling so guilty about my reaction, especially because I had scared my best friend half to death. But I got right back up to pursue the right behavior again.

However, this has not prevented the emotional and spiritual struggles I have been going through. My reaction back then only awakened how I really felt about what I had been ignoring. The most dominant feeling that took over afterward, concerning the break-up, was sadness. Deep sadness.

Admittedly, although I have dated before, I really had never been in love, although any kind of crush may seem like love to a teenager, and there had never been anyone that I was truly open to marrying. Now, when I was young, my mom and I came up with a name for my future husband, so we could pray for him. Bring him up without having to say “my future husband” all the time. I don’t remember how old I was; it was at least elementary school. And so, I named him…Pete. Even though I’ve always had Pete in my mind, I went through a lot of heartbreak looking for him and I came to find that I was most happy when I was single. Seriously. I could do anything I wanted with my life, with God leading me of course. But I could pursue any career, move to any place, and live independently without having to answer to any guy. I reveled in total freedom.

When this relationship came along, it took quite a while for me to warm up to the guy. We became best friends, but it took over a year for me to be willing to date him and a couple of tries for it to even stick. Talk about persistence. By January, I had totally changed and I was convinced that this was it. This was Pete and I was happy with that. But only a month went by, a great month, before it came out that our core beliefs are not the same. We had been talking about spiritual things since the day we met, so we had assumed that we were both on the same page. But it happened that our different beliefs were over something we never fathomed needing to ask each other about and something absolutely necessary to agree on in order to continue a life together.

Another month went by, but it was an empty month. The only things that happened over that time were disagreement, pretending, avoidance, and growing distance. We had come to an impasse and it came time for it to end. And here I come back to the sadness that took me. It felt so wrong that things should happen the way they did, to go through so much struggle coming together only to break-up so quickly and finally. In contrast, with all the research and the people I had spoken with, I only became more solid and passionate about what I believe. It will never be changed to anything else.

After graduation, I went on a ministry trip to Puerto Rico for three weeks. I have been back for two weeks and it’s almost comical to me now how up and down I have been about everything. Being finished with school and adjusting to life without being constantly stressed out by homework. Accepting that I will never go back to live in that community of friends that I have known for four years; some of those friends I will probably never see again. Figuring out the next steps to take in my life. And then there is the break-up.

Last week, for the first time in three months, I felt angry about it. I had felt anger within the second month of the relationship, angry at the situation, not the guy. But this time I was angry at God. I think the anger had been there for a while but I would always cover over it quickly and focus on the sadness. I don’t usually get angry with God because I understand that things happen for a reason and that I am not meant to understand, while I am on this side of life, all that occurs. However, it came out and I finally had an honest conversation with God about it, if you can call it a conversation. I got it all out, my ups and downs, my questions and thoughts, all my venting, in twenty-two pages of journaling.

When I finished…I instantly felt better just having come out with it all. I didn’t even need an answer to the questions. It just made me feel better to have asked them. And you know what? Things have really been improving for me since then. My circumstances have not changed, but my spirits are lighter, my reasoning has become more positive and my relationship with God is growing again, all because I am came out into the open with Him. I always knew that God wants us to be perfectly honest with Him, even if it involves negative feelings, and I have done so in the past. But, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt the truth of that fact as the burden lifted from me instantly.

I have been reading this book since December called When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy, one of many books that I have attempted to read but have not had time for while I was in school. Yes, I know, some of the language in it is cheesy 90s language, but I think the book is fantastic. It’s mostly filled with things I already know, that I grew up with. But sometimes things you grew up with just need to be reinforced in a way that will make it meaningful to you again as an adult and in a time of need. When you really need to believe again in those things that you already know. And some of the ways Eric and Leslie deliver these truths have been new for me, causing for me to think about these things again.

I’m beginning to think now that I’ve gotten out of the general and am getting more into the specific, the guys who do come really close to what I am looking for but are just not quite right. It’s so strange how I thought the guys I liked in high school were so right, or at least really close, when they are so obviously wrong to me now. I was really off. It makes me wonder how any person can really know their soul mate in high school. I’ve changed so much; I’m not who I was in high school. I guess if you marry young though then you change with that person, but the single road keeps you constantly changing as an individual. So we must find the right person at the right time, at the same place in life that we are in.

I want to be the right kind of woman for Pete so that we will be right for each other at the same time. I know there are things I need to work on, but I’m beginning to see things that my Jesus wants me to see, so that I will settle for no less than Him and what He has for my life. I have not found my Pete. As long as I know that, I can wait. It has been made clear to me now that I had a choice between Christ and someone who, although dear to me, is not my Pete. Out of the two options, although extremely difficult, giving him up is the only one I could live with. Giving up my Jesus is never an option.