Excuses

Now, I know I have seriously neglected my writing lately, but I just realized that I have only posted one blog in the last three months. To be fair, I started a new job and spent a good deal of that time writing a couple of devotionals for a book. But then, there is always an excuse, isn’t there?

Whenever I take on a serious commitment, such as a new job, the passions of my life inevitably take a back seat. My family and friends, my writing and music, and most importantly, my relationship with Jesus. Despite all of my “good reasons” to save those things for another day, I know that some sacrifices are inexcusable.

There will always be something to steal my time and attention. There will always be a reason why I cannot devote myself to the people and things that I love. There will always be an excuse for allowing laziness to take hold of my life.

Therein lies the challenge; determining to make those things a priority in my life. To fight for the time and pray for the focus I need, regardless of the challenges that come up to block my way. I can fill my time with just about any project and, with plenty of logic, anything can be made important enough to supersede the essentials.

But where will that leave me in the end?

Dry and empty, wondering where the years have gone, where my life went. I don’t want to waste my life. I don’t want to lose the precious moments I have to do what I want to do. I don’t want to miss the opportunities I get to say what I want to say. What He wants me to do. What He wants me to say.

I have missed going the extra mile for time with my loved ones. I have missed writing. I have missed my music. I have missed my Jesus.

Spring Break has been a breath of fresh air for me. A merciful gasp, really, to take with me before another deep plunge back into the waters of the work world. Not to say that my job is a dreaded foe. I love my job! The challenge for me is the temptation to throw myself too much into my work. Over the break, I’ve had the chance to seek and savor Him more than I have in a long time, to see Him in a deeper way. And it has been…many things. Precious. Sobering. Romantic.

I know I will be slammed with challenges, literally, the moment I go back to work. Will I fall back into the way it was before? I’m sure I will stumble quite a bit, but I’m ready to make the time for the things that are important to me. I’m ready for faithful dedication to my loved ones, disciplined progress to my God-given dreams, and ardent devotion to my Lover and King. I’m ready.

And after all that we've been through,
And after all we left in pieces,
I still believe our lives have just begun.
‘Cause now the past can be outrun,
And I know You are the reason.
I still believe the best is yet to come.

-Best is Yet to Come by Red

Stronger

It has been exactly four weeks since I posted my last blog. I have been working on two other entries but I just haven’t felt moved to post them. With all this time gone by, many things have happened and I have been overwhelmed with all the topics I could write about. Some things have been difficult, both emotionally and spiritually taxing. Other things have been fabulous, filled with unbelievable joys and amazing blessings. I will probably have to write more than one blog to share the most important things…but here is one.

For a couple of those weeks, memories of an old and familiar sort came slipping back into the forefront of my mind. It’s funny, when you remember something that you never actually forgot, just how the present events of your life can change the flavor of those memories and readjust the light by which you see them. The present experiences can shed a new light on the past, changing and deepening our understanding of who we are today. Why do we the things we do? Why do we see the world the way we see it? Why do we relate and interact with others in the manner that we do? It all goes together.

These memories have occasionally produced a grieving process in me over the way my family has been. However, this time I did not grieve over those lost family dynamics that I always longed for, simply for the sake of having those loving, ideal relationships that I had the “right” to enjoy like so many of my friends did with their families. No. This time, I had to grieve over the way I have turned out as a result of those relational deprivations.

There are so many things I do not like about myself, things that would not exist in me if things had been different. Personal struggles and negative traits that I have acquired as a result of things being the way they were. I know if it wasn’t this set of issues it would be something else, but I kept thinking that “something else” would have been made up of normal, easier issues. And yes, I used the word normal. There IS such a thing as normal in such instances.

I have been thinking of a certain song, and lately coming across, multiple times, the Bible verses it is based on. Don’t worry about your life ‘cause if you hold it too close you’ll lose it. (Rebecca St. James) I have found that I really haven’t been holding on too tightly to things that I have in my life, but things that I do not have. I have been holding onto my “right” to have had a whole and close family. My “right” to be emotionally secure. My “right” to have healthy relational skills.

These issues are the things I struggle with about myself now. Usually I don’t worry about these things this much but they became much more apparent and particularly difficult all at once and they overwhelmed me. I was so frustrated that I thought, “If these things in my past had gone right then I wouldn’t be dealing with these stupid issues now. I wouldn’t be so emotionally unstable and relationally handicapped. I wouldn’t be so awkward, insecure and complicated.”

Most significantly, my struggle traces back to this fact: certain hurtful things that occurred in my family, during my growing up years, are what planted the negative seeds deep inside me that resulted in the most crucial struggle I have in my relationship with God now. My perception of Him has been so wrong, but it has been hard to see anything else when this image of Him has always been the primary view I have been exposed to. I know what the Bible says about Him and what His character is really like, but I have not operated on default as if I believe that. I have automatically interacted with Him as though He were entirely different from what I know Him to be.

Although I know He forgives me, I behave as if He will not take me back without holding my sin against me and making me feel guilty for it. When I have made even the slightest mistake, my first gut-reaction has been to run away and cower in fear because, surely, at the snap of a finger, He would abandon His approving smile and begin to scream at me in His wrath. When I ask for forgiveness, my perfectionist nature tells me that, because He can see so clearly into my future, He knows how soon I will commit the same act again, rendering my apologies pointless and unacceptable until I really change. I have believed that I am a second-rate child of God; that I just came along with the package deal and have no real purpose in the Kingdom of God. And I have believed that He doesn’t really care to know me at all.

These are the lies I have lived by from my childhood. I have had an influence in my life that has pounded these messages into my heart, not on purpose, but through hurtful actions and unmeant words. In addition, I know the enemy has been sure to reinforce these lies again and again. Consequently, I have been torn, mixing the God I know Him to be with the God I have projected Him to be. I have held Him at an arms length, not realizing that His heart has only been breaking for me to come to Him as I am.

“For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.” Psalm 139:13-16

He doesn’t want me to go away and leave Him alone, to shut up and not be a bother. He loves me. He made me. I have tried so hard, for most of my life, to mind my own business and not rock the boat. To be invisible when, all this time, He wanted me to stop hiding from Him and beating myself up, because it is certainly not His intent to beat me up. His intent is to love me and use me for good things. We were born to be a part of something holy. (Stellar Kart) I am no exception to that.

Since this most recent grieving process, I am again accepting the way things have turned out. The way I have turned out. Because, thank the Lord, I am not stuck this way. He is the only One who has the power to change me.

No, my life has not turned out perfectly or even as clean as others I know. But it is all for His purpose. I see now that not everyone was made to deal with the same things that I have dealt with. I was chosen to handle these things. I was equipped to handle these things. Some people were not made to reach their fullest capacity of use by having a squeaky clean life, just as others were not made to reach their fullest capacity of use in having a heinously messy life.

Let’s face it though, everybody’s life is at least a little messy. No perfect story makes it onto the bookshelf. Life is messy. My life is messy. And although I can imagine some really great scenarios of how wonderful and perfect my life could have turned out, after allowing myself to run through some realistic alternatives, I ended up seeing that none of those alternate lives would be capable of all the things that my life is capable of now. I see how the life I have lived is more usable to God in the lives of others than the life I would have chosen for myself. And, ironically, those things that hurt me can be used, in many ways, to make me better in the long run than if I had been completely shielded from experiencing anything. They have made me stronger. They will make me stronger. He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger. (Mandisa)

The fear left me when I took a breath.

“Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within you.” –John 7:38

I didn’t wait long after testing the water to jump right into the shallow entrance of the sea. There was an ocean before me and I was there to plunge into the waves and reduce my life on the beach to a mere memory. It was a little cold, but I was so overjoyed with the fact that I could swim I didn’t even bother to take much notice.

As I made my way deeper, I could more easily dip myself under the surface for a taste of the joy and wonder I found there. When the water became too deep, most of my body remained underneath. But the waves were coming. The introduction to my new life here was ending and the wonder of its beginning was to be faced with challenges.

The waves grew bigger and I practiced my maneuvers, not to escape them, but to go through them. I remembered the early lessons of my swim teacher and his instruction led me on, although I did not follow the later instructions he had given me because I had not yet put them into practice and understood how to use them. I grew weary, but I was confident that if I withstood the testing waves of challenge, I would reach the calmer seas beyond. Then, the simple life would return. I would then reach my ultimate goal.

The waves were more challenging than I would have thought. I was thrown quite a bit and for a long time. My knees were shot into sharp rocks, my elbows received gashes and I’m sure there were a few bruises. I had to kick my way to the surface for air and my lungs burned like fire. Several times, I even found I had been shot back to where I was before in more shallow waters. The tide was wretched.

It was then I realized that I had begun to practice the later instructions of my teacher through all of these waves, the more advanced material. It had made me stronger and I finally made it through the waves before me. I could not have done it without him. Surely, even in the shallow depths I would have failed.

At last, I made my way to the calmer and deeper sea. The massive waves of my past were behind me, but they had left me tired and worn. I held my breath at first so I could float and rest on the surface somewhat. After a time, I had caught my breath and I turned to the open sea to continue on.

It was then that I realized…I must have sprained my ankle in the turmoil. There had been more damage done than I thought. It was so painful to swim. I didn’t like this. Now that I was out where I could swim deeply, I was hurting too much to do so the way I had wanted. Should I go back to give up? To rest and start over? Once I got out of the water, there would be no guarantee that I would want to get back in. No. I wanted to carry on from where I was. I would just have to endure the pain.

My swim was a slow and hobbling venture. Sometimes I would go underneath the surface and rely mostly on my arms to get me by, that is, until I healed. I remained that way for a long time…too long. I made it a habit of dipping down every so often, relying on the support of the water to keep me afloat just below the surface as I travelled, and then I would come up for air and kick hard to keep myself above. I thought I was making great progress. I was going further and further out, but I was still growing weary. I had to stop and rest often and the sun had come out, so that did not help.

I kept on with this cycle and the time crawled by. I couldn’t understand why I was having such a difficult time. I wasn’t growing in this life. I was only getting tired. This wasn’t the life that was promised to me. All I had gained was a life of pain and struggle. The only relief I really ever felt was when I was underneath, completely submerged in the sea. To be surrounded by the depths of the life I chose, not merely travelling through. I didn’t like that my head was left out of the wonderful feeling for so much of the time. Not to mention, I was getting a sunburn too.

Finally, my frustrations caught up with me and I stopped. Where was this life leading me? I didn’t want to give up because I still had hope for discovering what I had been looking for, longing for, seeking to fill myself with. But I was at a loss. I hadn’t found it. I knew I was close but it was somehow eluding me.

As I lied floating on the surface, quiet and still, I heard something beneath me. A sound. An echo. A voice. Was it here? Had it been there all along? It had not occurred to me before. It was clear that I had given up my life on the land. There really was no reasonable way I should survive out here. Why did I ever think I would be able to live out here as if I still lived on the land? As if I were going back? There was no going back. I had come out here to die to myself.

It had never been about how far across the surface I could go. It was about how deep I could go. There had been an entire level of existence below me that I had been missing, because it hadn’t seemed logical. It was crazy. My purpose, all along, was to go deeper into the depths of this sea.

I was hesitant as I thought this out. But what did I have to lose? All I knew was that being underneath is where all my joy came from. I slipped myself beneath the glassy sea, letting it cover me like a blanket. I sank further and further. I closed my eyes.

The fear left me when I took a breath.

My eyes darted open. My body was well and alert. I had died to my old self by taking that breath and found that I was alive…because I didn’t need the air. I felt the full extent of the living water inside me. Believe it or not, I laughed. I smiled and threw back my head in joy. In wonder, I was no longer absorbed with the travelling and the distance. I moved about slowly, twisting down head first to challenge the direction of gravity. Turning upward to see my hair floating above me, following me down.

I was surprised that I did not descend into darkness. The ocean floor was light and I could see the sun glinting of the endless shades off fish and other creatures. I swam closer and discovered the beauty of this creation. All the sights I had been missing. Every detail my eyes captured deepened my knowledge of the sea’s character. It became even more wondrous and mysterious to me than before. I wanted to see more.

I became lost in the wonders of my new life. It has by no means been perfect nor shall it ever be so. I have faced dark crevices and frightening sights. I know there is more to come. But my ankle has healed. Wounds that I received during my early experience in the waves have left some scars that will never go away. I will always be reminded of how I got them. But the memory of pain has been dimmed and I can live with those scars. As long as I am in the place of this marvelous light, I will continue to grow closer to what really matters. The journey has taken me deeper into the heart of the sea.

I can never know all there is under the surface. It's too grand and endless for me to comprehend. I can only explore it in parts, get to know those parts as much as I am able and then I will at least know the character of the sea in general. I will understand a bit better the parts I will not make it to in this life. Others will explore many of those different parts. I may pass some of them by and learn about the places I have not been to before, the things I have not seen. I may go where they have gone too and I may need to remain content with only knowing about their experience. I will stay where I need to stay or continue on to the next place I need to go.

I don’t know where I’m going, but as long as I am submerged, exploring the character and the vastness of this sea, I will only grow within its depths. I don’t know where I will come out, but I know that when I do it will be on the other side, on brighter shores. And I don’t know what all awaits me on that shore, but I know that my journey in this place will be over and a new journey, whole and everlasting, will begin.

Finding Your Gifts

So I am going to start looking for a job this week. I feel more motivated now than I did before. I think a big reason I’ve been putting off looking for a job is because I’m still pretty concerned with next year. I had come to a decision by the time graduation came around: go home for a year for a break, spend time with friends and family, and then go teach English in China for a year.

By the time I had gotten into college, I had figured out that teaching is not my gift. I may not have had formal experience teaching in a classroom setting, but I had lots of opportunities to teach when I was in high school. For example, when I was a leader in Bible Club during senior year of high school, I came up with some lessons that I was really passionate about and excited to share. But when it came time to actually deliver it, I realized how much I lack that connection and the ability to bring about interaction or real interest. I would love to be good at it, but through that and other experiences, I have come to find that I lack the ability to facilitate critical thinking. Teaching for real terrifies me because, to me, it’s like having to come up with a speech every day. I can do a speech if I prepare and work myself up to it, but every day? I would definitely prefer to write.

So I was able to go to China once and I loved it. I wanted to go back and I think I would still like to for a while someday. I figured that teaching would be the way to get me there and if I was in a place I wanted to be then maybe I could get used to teaching. Maybe if I tried it in the formal setting I would be surprised. But I’ve still been very hesitant despite my efforts to like the idea of teaching and the realization was refreshed for me in Puerto Rico. I was in a situation where I was doing Devo time with a girl and I was trying really hard, but I just lacked that ability to encourage much conversation. When I had a friend help me I saw that she totally had the gift for it. She said things to the girl that I never would have thought to ask and the girl really came out of her shell and lit up. Darn. I really wish I could do that. I think I can if I’m just casually talking to a person about themselves or sharing from my own life, but not when I’m under the pressure of trying to officially teach…on purpose.

I’ve been told by many, “Well, teaching is just the way of getting you over there. There are lots of other things you can be doing while you’re there. Just do it.” But the way I see it is….being a teacher is like being a musician. A musician can enjoy the rewards of the that lifestyle, but they can only experience it if they are good with the basic talent of music in the first place, which earns them the fruit of that lifestyle. They need to actually be good at music (real musicians actually do their own music and do it well), putting in the hard hours of work writing and producing it, studio time recording it, and the business issues the come along with it. I think a person really needs to be good at something to experience the fruit of the work. Same with being a teacher. I am not going to be effective if I am not good at it. If I go there to teach but I’m not good at it then what the heck am I doing? Overall, I'm not feeling right about it and I am leaning more towards doing something else.

God has gifted us all in different ways, so why should we waste our time running after something He has not purposed us to do? We will only be fulfilled in pursuing the desires He has given us, not to be mistaken with pursuing our own selfish desires. If I ask Him to give me the right desires, then I’m going to love and pursue what He wants. I can’t fit a square peg into a round hole and even if I fiddled with the square and made it small enough to fit into the hole, it would still not be the right shape. I’m thinking I need to stop trying to make myself be good at the job of teaching when I’ve had plenty of opportunities to know that it’s not for me to pursue. I believe that a person finds out what their gifts are by trying things out and finding what works and what does not.

If I can, I like to teach through personal conversation and writing. More than teach really, I guess I just like to be there for people and express things that I have learned so that maybe I can bless someone else in the same ways that I have been blessed by others. I know how much it means to have someone there for you, to have a mentor, to read words that someone wrote that just impact you to the core of your being. Words that change you. I just love words and I want to reach people with them.