Excuses

Now, I know I have seriously neglected my writing lately, but I just realized that I have only posted one blog in the last three months. To be fair, I started a new job and spent a good deal of that time writing a couple of devotionals for a book. But then, there is always an excuse, isn’t there?

Whenever I take on a serious commitment, such as a new job, the passions of my life inevitably take a back seat. My family and friends, my writing and music, and most importantly, my relationship with Jesus. Despite all of my “good reasons” to save those things for another day, I know that some sacrifices are inexcusable.

There will always be something to steal my time and attention. There will always be a reason why I cannot devote myself to the people and things that I love. There will always be an excuse for allowing laziness to take hold of my life.

Therein lies the challenge; determining to make those things a priority in my life. To fight for the time and pray for the focus I need, regardless of the challenges that come up to block my way. I can fill my time with just about any project and, with plenty of logic, anything can be made important enough to supersede the essentials.

But where will that leave me in the end?

Dry and empty, wondering where the years have gone, where my life went. I don’t want to waste my life. I don’t want to lose the precious moments I have to do what I want to do. I don’t want to miss the opportunities I get to say what I want to say. What He wants me to do. What He wants me to say.

I have missed going the extra mile for time with my loved ones. I have missed writing. I have missed my music. I have missed my Jesus.

Spring Break has been a breath of fresh air for me. A merciful gasp, really, to take with me before another deep plunge back into the waters of the work world. Not to say that my job is a dreaded foe. I love my job! The challenge for me is the temptation to throw myself too much into my work. Over the break, I’ve had the chance to seek and savor Him more than I have in a long time, to see Him in a deeper way. And it has been…many things. Precious. Sobering. Romantic.

I know I will be slammed with challenges, literally, the moment I go back to work. Will I fall back into the way it was before? I’m sure I will stumble quite a bit, but I’m ready to make the time for the things that are important to me. I’m ready for faithful dedication to my loved ones, disciplined progress to my God-given dreams, and ardent devotion to my Lover and King. I’m ready.

And after all that we've been through,
And after all we left in pieces,
I still believe our lives have just begun.
‘Cause now the past can be outrun,
And I know You are the reason.
I still believe the best is yet to come.

-Best is Yet to Come by Red

Finding Your Gifts

So I am going to start looking for a job this week. I feel more motivated now than I did before. I think a big reason I’ve been putting off looking for a job is because I’m still pretty concerned with next year. I had come to a decision by the time graduation came around: go home for a year for a break, spend time with friends and family, and then go teach English in China for a year.

By the time I had gotten into college, I had figured out that teaching is not my gift. I may not have had formal experience teaching in a classroom setting, but I had lots of opportunities to teach when I was in high school. For example, when I was a leader in Bible Club during senior year of high school, I came up with some lessons that I was really passionate about and excited to share. But when it came time to actually deliver it, I realized how much I lack that connection and the ability to bring about interaction or real interest. I would love to be good at it, but through that and other experiences, I have come to find that I lack the ability to facilitate critical thinking. Teaching for real terrifies me because, to me, it’s like having to come up with a speech every day. I can do a speech if I prepare and work myself up to it, but every day? I would definitely prefer to write.

So I was able to go to China once and I loved it. I wanted to go back and I think I would still like to for a while someday. I figured that teaching would be the way to get me there and if I was in a place I wanted to be then maybe I could get used to teaching. Maybe if I tried it in the formal setting I would be surprised. But I’ve still been very hesitant despite my efforts to like the idea of teaching and the realization was refreshed for me in Puerto Rico. I was in a situation where I was doing Devo time with a girl and I was trying really hard, but I just lacked that ability to encourage much conversation. When I had a friend help me I saw that she totally had the gift for it. She said things to the girl that I never would have thought to ask and the girl really came out of her shell and lit up. Darn. I really wish I could do that. I think I can if I’m just casually talking to a person about themselves or sharing from my own life, but not when I’m under the pressure of trying to officially teach…on purpose.

I’ve been told by many, “Well, teaching is just the way of getting you over there. There are lots of other things you can be doing while you’re there. Just do it.” But the way I see it is….being a teacher is like being a musician. A musician can enjoy the rewards of the that lifestyle, but they can only experience it if they are good with the basic talent of music in the first place, which earns them the fruit of that lifestyle. They need to actually be good at music (real musicians actually do their own music and do it well), putting in the hard hours of work writing and producing it, studio time recording it, and the business issues the come along with it. I think a person really needs to be good at something to experience the fruit of the work. Same with being a teacher. I am not going to be effective if I am not good at it. If I go there to teach but I’m not good at it then what the heck am I doing? Overall, I'm not feeling right about it and I am leaning more towards doing something else.

God has gifted us all in different ways, so why should we waste our time running after something He has not purposed us to do? We will only be fulfilled in pursuing the desires He has given us, not to be mistaken with pursuing our own selfish desires. If I ask Him to give me the right desires, then I’m going to love and pursue what He wants. I can’t fit a square peg into a round hole and even if I fiddled with the square and made it small enough to fit into the hole, it would still not be the right shape. I’m thinking I need to stop trying to make myself be good at the job of teaching when I’ve had plenty of opportunities to know that it’s not for me to pursue. I believe that a person finds out what their gifts are by trying things out and finding what works and what does not.

If I can, I like to teach through personal conversation and writing. More than teach really, I guess I just like to be there for people and express things that I have learned so that maybe I can bless someone else in the same ways that I have been blessed by others. I know how much it means to have someone there for you, to have a mentor, to read words that someone wrote that just impact you to the core of your being. Words that change you. I just love words and I want to reach people with them.