Progressively Set-Apart

            I am so excited about the future. My expectations have gone through some periods of serious morphing, especially throughout my college experience, and now I see how selfish all of those expectations were. I wanted my college experience to unfold this way, for my love story with a guy to unfold that way, and my career path to go just so, all the while praising Jesus for doing things my way.  I wanted a mechanical and somewhat predictable life. I wanted to be “just like everybody else.” I wanted to be understood and happy. To prove wrong all those who had ever challenged me and shame those who had ever rejected me. I just knew I had a "right" to all these things. A right to myself.

            I didn’t see then that there is a life possible for me that is so much more than what I ever imagined for myself. Not because it contains the world’s version, or even my own version, of success. Not because I would experience the most romantic love story with a guy that I could ever fathom. Not because I would attain riches, beauty, or recognition. It is because it contains a love beyond anything this world can hold for me. One of forgiveness and renewal, where all my hurts become unimportant in comparison to the affirming acceptance I find and all my vices become completely alterable by the steady hand I have to hold.

            I find I do not need to worry about the future, since I have no control over how it will unfold anyway, because God, my Love, holds my future in His hands, writing it Himself and guiding me with an even better purpose than I could create for myself. How can I, a tiny being limited in my own understanding of existence, ever orchestrate my own course and purpose when He is the One that sees, knows and understands all? He is the One who created me! Of course He is going to know the specific purpose I was created for and enable me to fulfill it.

            I just finished reading Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. Absolutely fantastic. One point that she makes, in paraphrasing a quote by Oswald Chambers, is that by realizing the reality of Christ, our one true Love and Purpose, “we are never bothered again by the fact that we do not understand ourselves, or that other people do not understand us. The only One who truly understands me is the One who made me and redeems me…” I have always been so concerned about finding someone to completely understand me, but I had never thought of it quite that way before…that it shouldn’t bother me that there is not one human on this planet who can understand every aspect of me, even myself. He understands me far better than even I do.

            When I think about it, there are some friends I can go to who can understand certain parts of me but cannot relate with other parts. Then there are some friends who can relate with those parts, but do not understand what my other friends do about me. There are always those gaps. Even between family members. But that’s okay. We were not designed to understand every single aspect of everybody else because then we would find that fulfillment in someone other than God.

            I know that the only person who would ever come close to fully understanding me would be my future husband, who I call Pete. That is, if I am meant for marriage. But you know what? I’m not worried about it, because the purpose that drives my life is beyond the necessity of being married. If I get married, then it will be fantastic because it is the direction in which God has directed my life in order to better fulfill His purposes. If not, then I can be just as satisfied because that means being unmarried is more advantageous in enabling me to fulfill the ultimate purpose of my life.

            I find the more I give my life and my future over to the Lord, I am not so hung up on things going a certain way. By default, not by discouragement, I imagine my future as a single person and I am thrilled by the ideas I entertain of serving the Lord, growing closer with Him in the most intimate ways, being satisfied in Him and His understanding of me alone, and allowing Him to use me as His instrument to show Himself to others. I am excited over Him continually improving me, the possibilities and knowing that, whatever happens, it will be good and I will love it.

            If I do have a Pete, only when he is revealed to me will I have a reason to imagine, with any solidity, my life any other way. And that is fine by me. I would rather be single, with my heart and inner sanctuary for Him kept intact the way He intended, than to settle and rush into a marriage that I would regret because of discontented impatience and insecurity. If that were to be the case, then let me be single all the days of my life. I will not settle and I will not worry about my future. There is too much to be ecstatic about today.

To Heal in Christ and Move on from a Broken Dream

For three months I have been working through the most significant break-up I have ever gone through. At first, all the busyness with graduation distracted me and I thought I had already dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with. Sadly though, a few weeks before graduation it hit me really hard all of a sudden and my immediate reaction was very, very stupid. It took me at least a week to stop feeling so guilty about my reaction, especially because I had scared my best friend half to death. But I got right back up to pursue the right behavior again.

However, this has not prevented the emotional and spiritual struggles I have been going through. My reaction back then only awakened how I really felt about what I had been ignoring. The most dominant feeling that took over afterward, concerning the break-up, was sadness. Deep sadness.

Admittedly, although I have dated before, I really had never been in love, although any kind of crush may seem like love to a teenager, and there had never been anyone that I was truly open to marrying. Now, when I was young, my mom and I came up with a name for my future husband, so we could pray for him. Bring him up without having to say “my future husband” all the time. I don’t remember how old I was; it was at least elementary school. And so, I named him…Pete. Even though I’ve always had Pete in my mind, I went through a lot of heartbreak looking for him and I came to find that I was most happy when I was single. Seriously. I could do anything I wanted with my life, with God leading me of course. But I could pursue any career, move to any place, and live independently without having to answer to any guy. I reveled in total freedom.

When this relationship came along, it took quite a while for me to warm up to the guy. We became best friends, but it took over a year for me to be willing to date him and a couple of tries for it to even stick. Talk about persistence. By January, I had totally changed and I was convinced that this was it. This was Pete and I was happy with that. But only a month went by, a great month, before it came out that our core beliefs are not the same. We had been talking about spiritual things since the day we met, so we had assumed that we were both on the same page. But it happened that our different beliefs were over something we never fathomed needing to ask each other about and something absolutely necessary to agree on in order to continue a life together.

Another month went by, but it was an empty month. The only things that happened over that time were disagreement, pretending, avoidance, and growing distance. We had come to an impasse and it came time for it to end. And here I come back to the sadness that took me. It felt so wrong that things should happen the way they did, to go through so much struggle coming together only to break-up so quickly and finally. In contrast, with all the research and the people I had spoken with, I only became more solid and passionate about what I believe. It will never be changed to anything else.

After graduation, I went on a ministry trip to Puerto Rico for three weeks. I have been back for two weeks and it’s almost comical to me now how up and down I have been about everything. Being finished with school and adjusting to life without being constantly stressed out by homework. Accepting that I will never go back to live in that community of friends that I have known for four years; some of those friends I will probably never see again. Figuring out the next steps to take in my life. And then there is the break-up.

Last week, for the first time in three months, I felt angry about it. I had felt anger within the second month of the relationship, angry at the situation, not the guy. But this time I was angry at God. I think the anger had been there for a while but I would always cover over it quickly and focus on the sadness. I don’t usually get angry with God because I understand that things happen for a reason and that I am not meant to understand, while I am on this side of life, all that occurs. However, it came out and I finally had an honest conversation with God about it, if you can call it a conversation. I got it all out, my ups and downs, my questions and thoughts, all my venting, in twenty-two pages of journaling.

When I finished…I instantly felt better just having come out with it all. I didn’t even need an answer to the questions. It just made me feel better to have asked them. And you know what? Things have really been improving for me since then. My circumstances have not changed, but my spirits are lighter, my reasoning has become more positive and my relationship with God is growing again, all because I am came out into the open with Him. I always knew that God wants us to be perfectly honest with Him, even if it involves negative feelings, and I have done so in the past. But, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt the truth of that fact as the burden lifted from me instantly.

I have been reading this book since December called When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy, one of many books that I have attempted to read but have not had time for while I was in school. Yes, I know, some of the language in it is cheesy 90s language, but I think the book is fantastic. It’s mostly filled with things I already know, that I grew up with. But sometimes things you grew up with just need to be reinforced in a way that will make it meaningful to you again as an adult and in a time of need. When you really need to believe again in those things that you already know. And some of the ways Eric and Leslie deliver these truths have been new for me, causing for me to think about these things again.

I’m beginning to think now that I’ve gotten out of the general and am getting more into the specific, the guys who do come really close to what I am looking for but are just not quite right. It’s so strange how I thought the guys I liked in high school were so right, or at least really close, when they are so obviously wrong to me now. I was really off. It makes me wonder how any person can really know their soul mate in high school. I’ve changed so much; I’m not who I was in high school. I guess if you marry young though then you change with that person, but the single road keeps you constantly changing as an individual. So we must find the right person at the right time, at the same place in life that we are in.

I want to be the right kind of woman for Pete so that we will be right for each other at the same time. I know there are things I need to work on, but I’m beginning to see things that my Jesus wants me to see, so that I will settle for no less than Him and what He has for my life. I have not found my Pete. As long as I know that, I can wait. It has been made clear to me now that I had a choice between Christ and someone who, although dear to me, is not my Pete. Out of the two options, although extremely difficult, giving him up is the only one I could live with. Giving up my Jesus is never an option.