Happy and Heartbroken

How is it possible to be so happy and heartbroken at the same time? How is it possible to cry with joy and thankfulness while wanting to cry over pain and difficult questions simultaneously? I don’t know how, but I feel the pull of both at once. There are so many blessings showering into my life right now, but there are so many other things going on around me that render me grieving.

An overwhelming amount of changes that I am afraid of are occurring, yet there are so many changes I am excited about. (I have always struggled over worrying about the future, probably something I will struggle with until the day I die.) This may sound oxymoronic but, although I am not traditional, I love traditions. I do things out of the ordinary, but I prefer consistency in some ways. I want something to rely on, something special to see and savor. I know that Christ is the only thing I can rely on, but I still have such a hard time dealing with change.

I miss the way my family used to go about the holidays. Those traditions have changed since my grandpas have both passed away and relatives my age are mostly married, starting their own families and even moving away. I miss the relationships I used to have with my friends. Those relationships are different now. Since graduation last spring, we have all spread out and we can’t just stop by and see each other the way we used to. Other friends are in relationships, engaged, married, having kids, moving, becoming different people. Overall, there is growing apart taking place.

In addition to the general change of life, there is the suffering of others around me that is burdening my heart. Family and friends struggling with or losing their jobs, husbands going to the hospital for heart problems, an adoption being reversed on a couple who fell in love with a child. I am definitely a fixer. I want to do something to make things the way I think they should be. To serve justice, according to me. But I am not the authority and I am not the Holy One who can make a perfect judgment. It is not within my control to fix everything for everyone. That is a humbling thought and certainly a difficult desire to harness.

Finally, there is the spiritual struggle of others around me. People I know who are so lost, empty and without hope. All I can do is point them to the One who comforts and fills me, knowing that, aside from prayer and offering my shoulder to cry on, there is really nothing I can personally do for them. (Again, with the fixing…) Children who have never heard of Jesus or, if they have, they think that He is dead, not knowing that He is their God, their Creator, their Father. That He is alive and He loves them. That He is with them and they don’t need to be afraid of falling asleep alone or dying. Trying to share that hope, but met with the inability to understand and discouraged by the continuation of that spiritual void.

And yet, despite all this, I am so excited about life and the opportunities that the Lord is opening up for me. Not so I can find success, wealth and comfort, but so I can be a blessing in the lives of others, bring Him glory in all that I do and allow Him to accomplish His will for my life. I am so happy about the refining and healing process He is putting me through, even though it is painful, so I can be who He wants me to be. I am so thankful for the answered prayers and the people He is putting into my life, right when I need them, so that I can see how He cares and provides for me, always.

Nothing is certain now, as far as the opportunities go, but He is leading me down a path that I know has been secured and blessed by Him. The refining and healing will surely be accomplished as I daily surrender myself and allow Him to shape and mold me like clay. And I must have faithfulness, relying on Him alone to supply all of my needs.

I rejoice in how amazing and merciful my God is for every moment that He loves me, for all of His unearned blessings and for never giving up on me. And I choose to trust Him with all of the things that are grieving my spirit because He is the Lord over all that burdens a human heart.

I Am...

It is difficult to imagine correctly how one’s life will go when there are so many unknown variables that are sure to come into the mix. My process of becoming who I am has not given me the experiences I always imagined, but I am who I am without apologizing for it and I am thankful for what I have. There have been struggles and obstacles that I did not account for as well as joys and blessings that I did not expect. Back then, I did not quite know who I am, but now I do.

I am against the grain. I am not what most people perceive me to be. Many people think too soon that they have me figured out or they give up when they think it’s taking too long and I think they miss out by walking away. I am rougher around the edges than most others see. I am not bragging when I say that I am very complicated. Only the ones who really invest, dig and persevere in getting to know me can truly understand me. Not a lot of people have enough patience for this though.

I am not the sweet social butterfly, admired by all. I am not an instant best-friend-maker. I only have energy for a few, deep friendships. Any shallow relationships wear me out. I am attracted to the outcast and the loner. Not a lot of people would guess that I relate better with them because I often feel the same. Shallow, girly chit-chat makes me gag and want to say something to pop their bubble. I do this a lot, even though I know that I probably shouldn’t. I have no respect for girls who have to pathetically flirt with guys in order to be their friends and I have absolutely no respect for the guys who encourage them by giving them all their attention. However, on a friendship scale, I relate with guys much better than I do with girls.

I am not the girl that beats off amazing guys with a stick. I am usually “the friend.” I am primarily attracted to jerks because I always feel a pathetic need to save them. I have always been told that I am marriage-material, not dating-material. I have a high standard because I know exactly what I am looking for and I would rather be alone while waiting for the right one than date around just to feel wanted. However, there was a time when I did not feel that way and now I regret all the losers I have wasted my time with. 

I am never the one with a clever phrase always at the tip of my tongue. I say awkward things and think of the perfect thing I could have said later. I have been the brunt of rumors. I have hurt people. I have rubbed people the wrong way. I am repelled by sicky-sweet people because I cannot relate. I do things out of spite. I am a realist. I get a sick pleasure out of bursting people’s bubbles. I am way too serious deep down. I am not trashy, but I confuse people because I thrive on being edgy, weird and shocking. If I could, my hair would always be like a rainbow and I would wear my leopard-print pants all over the place. I wear make-up to the point where people always ask why I’m dressed up. I’m really just putting on my lipstick so I can feel ready for the day, even if it involves staying home. 

I am hot pink and black. I am brown and blue and green. I am silver, not gold. I am blue lipstick. I am nomad. I am written words. I am dark chocolate. I am underdog. I am ocean waves. I am romantic drama. I am heroic action film with an epic conclusion. I am fantasy. I am windblown palm trees in the sun. I am overcast skies and rain. I am wind. I am yellow Plymouth Prowler. I am fufu coffee. I am ripped jeans. I am fast driver in the country. I am classic literature. I am heart-filled instrumental music. I am loyalty. I am rose. I am imagination. I am smell of pine in the morning. I am spaghetti. I am mud fight. I am saint. I am imperfect. I am Joan of Arc. I am Audrey Hepburn. I am Tobymac. I am C.S. Lewis. I am nostalgia. I am goodbye kisses. I am loving hands. I am loud music.

Flashback to My Freshmen Revelation

The below text is a blog that I wrote in February of my freshmen year of college, when I was nineteen. I called it "My Revelation." I have grown up putting my faith in Christ; I made the decision to follow Him when I was six. In all my years as a child, I was so passionate about my love for Him, sharing Him with others. When I got older, I still loved Him, but that passion had dulled drastically. This flashback is Part One of a two part blog. Part Two, which I will post sometime within the next few days, will be a response to Part One, concerning where I am with this today (not really about the guy aspect included but my relationship with Christ) and how the things God is currently showing me ties into this lesson that I learned three and a half years ago. I have removed only a few details here and there since this blog page is more private than the one I originally posted this blog in. Here it is:

"…that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives. For assuredly He does not give help to angels, but He gives help to the descendant of Abraham. Therefore, He had to be made like His brethren in all things, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For since He Himself was tempted, in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted."-Hebrews 2:14b-18

On Friday I went to the beach by myself. I've been meaning to for a few weeks now. I needed to get far away and talk with God alone. Growing up as a Christian, I've been so ingrained with the concepts of God, that it is a lifestyle I don't think I could really change about myself even if I tried. But something has been missing from my walk with God that I have not been able to identify until that day on the beach. God spoke to me in my head. He said I needed to be personal with Him. The word that stuck out to me was "personal". I came to find yesterday that I am a Christian. I have a relationship with God, but like my mom has told me, it's been a business relationship. I know the concepts and believe the same things as God and I've "worked with Him" in pursuing the same goals. I have always been "for His mission statement" and wanted to be in love with Him beyond anything else in my life. But I haven't.

I wondered what was wrong with me because I haven't had the passion I've seen in others. The passion where I just can't contain my love for Jesus and can't help but share His Word and His love. Only when I was a child, but things in my growing up years have made that passion die down. I've had spiritual highs and I've ached and desired to have that emotional attachment to God. I did everything I knew that Christians were to do in such a situation so I could have that kind of relationship with God. But I never got it. I even got to the point this past summer where I started to question my salvation. If I didn't have the passion for God you're supposed to have, then how could I really be a true follower, right? 

For a while after my summer confusion, I put this all aside, lived in denial, went off to school and got into possibly the worst spot spiritually and emotionally I have ever been in. Relationships I once had to keep me up were gone. Right from the beginning of school, I tried to make a random relationship be the solution to my problem and it failed miserably. I saw an ugly side to men and human nature in general, driving me away from any desire for a guy/girl relationship. In the few months since, I have been coping and dealing with some new wounds that were ultimately inflicted by me. Finally, I made that trip to the beach and I asked God what I needed to do to have that kind of relationship with Him. He told me I needed to change my business relationship with Him into a personal relationship. I was surprised at how promptly and clearly God answered me when I asked Him. And I asked another question. "How in the world am I supposed to do that?" I now knew the "what" but not the "how."

This brings me to yesterday when I read the verses quoted above. I've heard and read such things before, but it never clicked with me until yesterday, after all the experience I had been chewing on. God used the devils own specialty against him…death. Through death He saved us and rode in on the horse as our hero. He's already won, just because of that! He freed me from the things I ultimately feared and had hanging over my head. He went through such great lengths…for me! No human guy could or would do that! The most a human could do to show their love is to "lay [their] life down for [their] friends." But Jesus did more than what any human being could do to save me out of His melting love for me, and He didn't even have to! He could have done the bare minimum to save us or not at all but He went all out! That's more of a hero and love than I could find in any guy. How could I not be crazy about someone like that? Who sacrificed that much and went through that much trouble for me? And because of everything He did, He can relate to me and my temptations and fully understand me. He is my prince, the One I've been looking for all along. I just never really got it that way before.

I think I was just so blind that I needed to see the dirtiness of man next to the holy, ga-ga, love of God has for me. I needed to be scared away from guys so I could wake up, smell the coffee and see just how great God is. He loves me more than any human could and He is now what I want more than anything. No guy is the solution to my life's problems. That's not fair to him anyway; that's a lot of pressure for a guy. I've found the filling for my hole that I knew was the filler all along but never desired it the way I needed to. I was putting boys on a pedestal for ultimate happiness in life for so long. I knew God should be my number one, but deep down, guys were above Him in my head. I'm a very visual person; I can physically see guys and that was easier for me to put my faith in.

But this whole experience was a mind-blowing, spiritual-clicking revelation for me. I will find my ultimate satisfaction in God. If He wants me to be with a guy someday, I'll leave it to Him to bring him along. He knows what's right for me and what I need. And it will be so that we can both be stronger in God and bring glory to Him better as a couple and because He wants to bless me with someone wonderful.

Jesus will be my best friend no matter where I go in life. He will be my romance, my Divine Romance. If I were to dance with Him, He would be the most kind and polite partner if I stepped on His toes. He's my mighty knight in shining armor. He's the gentle giver of white roses to me to remind me of my purity in Him and His love for one who was once dirty with sin. Through Him I can be white and pure in every way. I could still be filthy and worthless, but because of Him I'm not. He loved me enough to clean me up and keep me with Him forever. And that is something to fall in love with.

To Heal in Christ and Move on from a Broken Dream

For three months I have been working through the most significant break-up I have ever gone through. At first, all the busyness with graduation distracted me and I thought I had already dealt with everything that needed to be dealt with. Sadly though, a few weeks before graduation it hit me really hard all of a sudden and my immediate reaction was very, very stupid. It took me at least a week to stop feeling so guilty about my reaction, especially because I had scared my best friend half to death. But I got right back up to pursue the right behavior again.

However, this has not prevented the emotional and spiritual struggles I have been going through. My reaction back then only awakened how I really felt about what I had been ignoring. The most dominant feeling that took over afterward, concerning the break-up, was sadness. Deep sadness.

Admittedly, although I have dated before, I really had never been in love, although any kind of crush may seem like love to a teenager, and there had never been anyone that I was truly open to marrying. Now, when I was young, my mom and I came up with a name for my future husband, so we could pray for him. Bring him up without having to say “my future husband” all the time. I don’t remember how old I was; it was at least elementary school. And so, I named him…Pete. Even though I’ve always had Pete in my mind, I went through a lot of heartbreak looking for him and I came to find that I was most happy when I was single. Seriously. I could do anything I wanted with my life, with God leading me of course. But I could pursue any career, move to any place, and live independently without having to answer to any guy. I reveled in total freedom.

When this relationship came along, it took quite a while for me to warm up to the guy. We became best friends, but it took over a year for me to be willing to date him and a couple of tries for it to even stick. Talk about persistence. By January, I had totally changed and I was convinced that this was it. This was Pete and I was happy with that. But only a month went by, a great month, before it came out that our core beliefs are not the same. We had been talking about spiritual things since the day we met, so we had assumed that we were both on the same page. But it happened that our different beliefs were over something we never fathomed needing to ask each other about and something absolutely necessary to agree on in order to continue a life together.

Another month went by, but it was an empty month. The only things that happened over that time were disagreement, pretending, avoidance, and growing distance. We had come to an impasse and it came time for it to end. And here I come back to the sadness that took me. It felt so wrong that things should happen the way they did, to go through so much struggle coming together only to break-up so quickly and finally. In contrast, with all the research and the people I had spoken with, I only became more solid and passionate about what I believe. It will never be changed to anything else.

After graduation, I went on a ministry trip to Puerto Rico for three weeks. I have been back for two weeks and it’s almost comical to me now how up and down I have been about everything. Being finished with school and adjusting to life without being constantly stressed out by homework. Accepting that I will never go back to live in that community of friends that I have known for four years; some of those friends I will probably never see again. Figuring out the next steps to take in my life. And then there is the break-up.

Last week, for the first time in three months, I felt angry about it. I had felt anger within the second month of the relationship, angry at the situation, not the guy. But this time I was angry at God. I think the anger had been there for a while but I would always cover over it quickly and focus on the sadness. I don’t usually get angry with God because I understand that things happen for a reason and that I am not meant to understand, while I am on this side of life, all that occurs. However, it came out and I finally had an honest conversation with God about it, if you can call it a conversation. I got it all out, my ups and downs, my questions and thoughts, all my venting, in twenty-two pages of journaling.

When I finished…I instantly felt better just having come out with it all. I didn’t even need an answer to the questions. It just made me feel better to have asked them. And you know what? Things have really been improving for me since then. My circumstances have not changed, but my spirits are lighter, my reasoning has become more positive and my relationship with God is growing again, all because I am came out into the open with Him. I always knew that God wants us to be perfectly honest with Him, even if it involves negative feelings, and I have done so in the past. But, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt the truth of that fact as the burden lifted from me instantly.

I have been reading this book since December called When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy, one of many books that I have attempted to read but have not had time for while I was in school. Yes, I know, some of the language in it is cheesy 90s language, but I think the book is fantastic. It’s mostly filled with things I already know, that I grew up with. But sometimes things you grew up with just need to be reinforced in a way that will make it meaningful to you again as an adult and in a time of need. When you really need to believe again in those things that you already know. And some of the ways Eric and Leslie deliver these truths have been new for me, causing for me to think about these things again.

I’m beginning to think now that I’ve gotten out of the general and am getting more into the specific, the guys who do come really close to what I am looking for but are just not quite right. It’s so strange how I thought the guys I liked in high school were so right, or at least really close, when they are so obviously wrong to me now. I was really off. It makes me wonder how any person can really know their soul mate in high school. I’ve changed so much; I’m not who I was in high school. I guess if you marry young though then you change with that person, but the single road keeps you constantly changing as an individual. So we must find the right person at the right time, at the same place in life that we are in.

I want to be the right kind of woman for Pete so that we will be right for each other at the same time. I know there are things I need to work on, but I’m beginning to see things that my Jesus wants me to see, so that I will settle for no less than Him and what He has for my life. I have not found my Pete. As long as I know that, I can wait. It has been made clear to me now that I had a choice between Christ and someone who, although dear to me, is not my Pete. Out of the two options, although extremely difficult, giving him up is the only one I could live with. Giving up my Jesus is never an option.