Flashback to My Freshmen Revelation

The below text is a blog that I wrote in February of my freshmen year of college, when I was nineteen. I called it "My Revelation." I have grown up putting my faith in Christ; I made the decision to follow Him when I was six. In all my years as a child, I was so passionate about my love for Him, sharing Him with others. When I got older, I still loved Him, but that passion had dulled drastically. This flashback is Part One of a two part blog. Part Two, which I will post sometime within the next few days, will be a response to Part One, concerning where I am with this today (not really about the guy aspect included but my relationship with Christ) and how the things God is currently showing me ties into this lesson that I learned three and a half years ago. I have removed only a few details here and there since this blog page is more private than the one I originally posted this blog in. Here it is:

"…that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives. For assuredly He does not give help to angels, but He gives help to the descendant of Abraham. Therefore, He had to be made like His brethren in all things, so that He might become a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For since He Himself was tempted, in that which He has suffered, He is able to come to the aid of those who are tempted."-Hebrews 2:14b-18

On Friday I went to the beach by myself. I've been meaning to for a few weeks now. I needed to get far away and talk with God alone. Growing up as a Christian, I've been so ingrained with the concepts of God, that it is a lifestyle I don't think I could really change about myself even if I tried. But something has been missing from my walk with God that I have not been able to identify until that day on the beach. God spoke to me in my head. He said I needed to be personal with Him. The word that stuck out to me was "personal". I came to find yesterday that I am a Christian. I have a relationship with God, but like my mom has told me, it's been a business relationship. I know the concepts and believe the same things as God and I've "worked with Him" in pursuing the same goals. I have always been "for His mission statement" and wanted to be in love with Him beyond anything else in my life. But I haven't.

I wondered what was wrong with me because I haven't had the passion I've seen in others. The passion where I just can't contain my love for Jesus and can't help but share His Word and His love. Only when I was a child, but things in my growing up years have made that passion die down. I've had spiritual highs and I've ached and desired to have that emotional attachment to God. I did everything I knew that Christians were to do in such a situation so I could have that kind of relationship with God. But I never got it. I even got to the point this past summer where I started to question my salvation. If I didn't have the passion for God you're supposed to have, then how could I really be a true follower, right? 

For a while after my summer confusion, I put this all aside, lived in denial, went off to school and got into possibly the worst spot spiritually and emotionally I have ever been in. Relationships I once had to keep me up were gone. Right from the beginning of school, I tried to make a random relationship be the solution to my problem and it failed miserably. I saw an ugly side to men and human nature in general, driving me away from any desire for a guy/girl relationship. In the few months since, I have been coping and dealing with some new wounds that were ultimately inflicted by me. Finally, I made that trip to the beach and I asked God what I needed to do to have that kind of relationship with Him. He told me I needed to change my business relationship with Him into a personal relationship. I was surprised at how promptly and clearly God answered me when I asked Him. And I asked another question. "How in the world am I supposed to do that?" I now knew the "what" but not the "how."

This brings me to yesterday when I read the verses quoted above. I've heard and read such things before, but it never clicked with me until yesterday, after all the experience I had been chewing on. God used the devils own specialty against him…death. Through death He saved us and rode in on the horse as our hero. He's already won, just because of that! He freed me from the things I ultimately feared and had hanging over my head. He went through such great lengths…for me! No human guy could or would do that! The most a human could do to show their love is to "lay [their] life down for [their] friends." But Jesus did more than what any human being could do to save me out of His melting love for me, and He didn't even have to! He could have done the bare minimum to save us or not at all but He went all out! That's more of a hero and love than I could find in any guy. How could I not be crazy about someone like that? Who sacrificed that much and went through that much trouble for me? And because of everything He did, He can relate to me and my temptations and fully understand me. He is my prince, the One I've been looking for all along. I just never really got it that way before.

I think I was just so blind that I needed to see the dirtiness of man next to the holy, ga-ga, love of God has for me. I needed to be scared away from guys so I could wake up, smell the coffee and see just how great God is. He loves me more than any human could and He is now what I want more than anything. No guy is the solution to my life's problems. That's not fair to him anyway; that's a lot of pressure for a guy. I've found the filling for my hole that I knew was the filler all along but never desired it the way I needed to. I was putting boys on a pedestal for ultimate happiness in life for so long. I knew God should be my number one, but deep down, guys were above Him in my head. I'm a very visual person; I can physically see guys and that was easier for me to put my faith in.

But this whole experience was a mind-blowing, spiritual-clicking revelation for me. I will find my ultimate satisfaction in God. If He wants me to be with a guy someday, I'll leave it to Him to bring him along. He knows what's right for me and what I need. And it will be so that we can both be stronger in God and bring glory to Him better as a couple and because He wants to bless me with someone wonderful.

Jesus will be my best friend no matter where I go in life. He will be my romance, my Divine Romance. If I were to dance with Him, He would be the most kind and polite partner if I stepped on His toes. He's my mighty knight in shining armor. He's the gentle giver of white roses to me to remind me of my purity in Him and His love for one who was once dirty with sin. Through Him I can be white and pure in every way. I could still be filthy and worthless, but because of Him I'm not. He loved me enough to clean me up and keep me with Him forever. And that is something to fall in love with.