Control

I have a problem: I get so paranoid about things falling apart. I know it’s because things were falling apart for so long in my life that I’m just used to it. But shouldn’t I be over it by now? Shouldn’t I just surrender to the fact that things are out of my control?

One of my biggest struggles is to daily give my life to the Lord and rest in the fact that He is in control. It must be a daily thing. The thing about giving your life to Him daily and the whole idea of a living sacrifice is that, when you’re alive, you can crawl off the alter at any time and choose to cease giving up your life. I think a person can die for just about anything, but it’s living for something that is the hardest. It takes denying yourself, giving up what you want, giving up control. Not pitching a fit, but resting and trusting.

I have always been extremely academic. Not perfect, of course, but very involved. Since I have been home, I have come across all my old trophies, certificates, ribbons, student-of-the-month badges, and all the pictures revolving around such events. There are tons of things. I was really more into achievements that I thought. In actuality, I didn’t really think of it much. It all just came very naturally to me, like it was the obvious choice that I would aim to excel in this area.

Now, I’m starting to think that one of the reasons why I have been this way is because my studies were something I could control. Something I knew how to thrive with when everything else was so out of control for all those years. My family was in a constant state of falling apart and I was never sure how I was able to deal with it. Seriously. There were so many negative things I could have reverted to in efforts to deal with things. But now that it’s over, I think I’m starting to realize….that school was a drug for me. And now that source of control is gone.

I have no control anymore and I’m seeing the areas that are overwhelming to me now because of just how much I know I cannot control them. I cannot control the jobs I may or may not get. I cannot control the fact that my best friends are moving overseas for a year or more. I cannot control the fact that I don’t have my own place right now. I cannot control the cemented memories of the past. I cannot control the uncertainties of future relationships. And I cannot control change.

Change is so hard for me. Uncertainty is even worse.

I’m finding now that I’m just really appreciating the fact that God never changes. He is my constant and He promises that He holds my future. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘Plans for good and not for evil. Plans to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Lord, please take away my fear of uncertainty and help me to rest in the fact that You are vastly more able and trustworthy to control things than I am.