So I have been working on this blog entry for about a month now. I began writing at the end of September but I started a new temp job and have been either crazy busy or completely worn out. I’ve had so much to say and express but I could almost swear, just because of how ridiculously difficult it has been to finish this, that supernatural forces have been working against me to keep me from doing so. Well, now…no more. I am finished, so here is what’s been going on in my life as of late.
This most recent season of heat (which, I might add, overstayed its welcome by a long shot) was, in a word, eventful. And when I say eventful, yes, I do mean brimming with self-discovery and growth. And yes, I do mean bursting with positive experiences and friendships. However, in addition to the aforementioned splendor, I also mean…well, let’s just be honest here…gushing with crap.
Now, hold on. Let me just say that this is not a piece devoted to complaint. Please, just bear with me. First, a brief interlude.
When I finished college last year, I came home with the intention of getting on my feet and settling into life as a graduated adult…and that is exactly what happened. God’s hand was so clear in my life, leading me in each and every step, and I was amazed over where His favor took me within a relatively short period of time. One year after my college graduation, to the day, I was promoted to full time at my amazing job. I was so excited about the future and the track I was on. I could just see my life playing out marvelously before my eyes…to the glory of God, of course.
About an hour after my promotion, an unforeseen shock came, seemingly, out of nowhere, opening a crazy jar of issues that spilled into my sanity. The events that followed led to my very necessary resignation from my job a whopping three weeks later. I was devastated and, all of a sudden, despite my experiences from the previous year, I found myself starting over at square one.
That was the beginning of the summer.
Now, I believe that everything happens for a reason and so I took this change of direction with a grain of salt. If God had taken care of me and led me so well the year before, He must have something perfect waiting right around the corner, right? So I waited. I applied for jobs and I waited. I invested in relationships (both romantic and platonic) and I waited. As the summer passed, I savored the blessings and shouldered the rejections in both jobs and relationships…and I waited.
All the while, countless voices in my life spoke words of encouragement to me. “Just wait,” they would say. “The Lord will take care of you. Hold onto His promises. Remember Jeremiah 29:11!” These words were all too easy to believe in the beginning, and they were certainly sustaining enough as the summer went on without progress, but the latter half of September brought my optimistic spirits crashing down hard. Within days, I was bombarded with multiple rejections that only built upon earlier summer rejections that I had not dealt with. The irritating pokes I ignored evolved into a few head-cracking punches that knocked me to the ground.
First, my temp job assignment ended abruptly. I knew it was not permanent, but the sudden drop, with no goodbye, hurt just a smidge. Second, my final interview for a permanent job, which I had been emotionally invested in for two months, was cancelled on me for the second and last time. That one hurt a bit more. Third, after being very intentionally pursued by a guy, I was suddenly dumped. Major ouch. And last, I felt like I lost one of my best friends. Quadruple ouch.
Basically, all at once, I felt the colossal impact of being strung along and rejected in just about every area of my life. I’d had enough and something inside me snapped. The sudden shock seemed to overload my circuits and fry my brain, making me hyper aware of the absolute lack of progress I had made over the last four months in my standing as an independent adult. My optimism froze and I was struck with a finality that stupefied me. All the responsibilities I had been holding at arms length came in close and crowded around my face. They started attacking me with questions and snide remarks, which I know are lies. But boy, when you’re down, you can believe just about anything.
I felt so incredibly alone and unloved. Incapable and stuck. Used and misunderstood. Neglected and invisible. I felt like an absolute waste.
My initial instinct was to run away. I went on a crazed job search one night for about four hours straight, searching with bloodshot eyes for any reasonable job that could get me out of this town and out of this stupid rut. After my fruitless search (and my unsuccessful attempt at avoidance) I finally started to deal with everything…from the entire summer. The weight of it all drove me to ask God, “Why did You even make me if all I’m meant to be is an unwanted and incapable burden? Why did You make me if this is all I’ll ever be? What plans and promises could You possibly have for me?”
I reasoned that God never really promised anything to me specifically. He never promised me a career, specific kinds of friends, or even marriage. His promise to give a future and a hope was probably only for the Israelites regarding their own situation in the Bible thousands of years ago. He surely wasn’t promising me a future and a hope. That is not to say that I completely stopped believing in God’s provision. He soon provided me with my new temp job and some income, for which I am grateful. I knew He was still taking care of me enough to get me by, but I wanted “to thrive, not just survive” (Thrive, Switchfoot). I felt like I was destined to never thrive. My loss of hope sent me slinking into a kind of depression that had not visited me in quite a while.
Alright, time for the progression.
After one week of my major depression, things started to shift. The state of my big picture circumstances did not change and I did not just…get better. However, one by one, little bottles of messages, released from the deep, began to pop up through the surface and subtly capture my attention, messages that spoke to my heart of God’s plans and promises…for me, and I began to glance up more and more from my gloom.
Just imagine being told to hold on to God’s promises, scoffing in disbelief, and then suddenly hearing references to God’s promises over and over again…everywhere…all the time. The messages came through tear-jerking songs, perfectly-timed Bible verses, heart-piercing sermons…even the title of my Promises for a Jesus Freak book, which I have carried in my purse since high school, caught my attention in a new way.
I have to say that God spoke to me the most directly through my favorite radio station, Air 1. It was kind of ridiculous, actually, just how blatant and frequent these messages became, speaking to me specifically about God’s promises. I would just be driving along in my gloom when a DJ would start sharing their thoughts, sometimes just a quick word and sometimes an entire discussion. Thoughts that spoke directly to my heart, complete with a side of encouragement, a Bible verse to quench my thirst, and a perfect song for dessert to wow me some more. Just because He could. Every single time, my jaw would drop and I sat, dumbfounded, in my car. No…way.
Here are the first three songs that shocked me into a stupor:
1) Promises by Sanctus Real: “Just hold on to the promises. Hold on to the promises. Jesus is alive so hold tight. Hold on to the promises.” Whoa, really?
2) Stand by Britt Nicole: “When I feel like giving up, when my heart is hurt too much, feels like I’ve reached the end. No I won’t turn and run. This battle will be won. When I’ve done all I can I’ll stand. On Your promise I will stand. All other ground is sinking sand.” Come on. Are you messing with me, Lord?
3) Right Beside You by Building 429: “When the world is on your back and you think that you will never last, when you’re lonely and you are confused, I’ll be right beside you. When the walls are closing in and you think you’d rather sink than swim, when there’s nothing left for you to lose, I’ll be right beside you.” Ah-bu-wha-huhhh? *goosebumps*
You can imagine my astonishment as more than a dozen similar songs have made their way to my ears and my heart over the last few weeks. Quite a few of these songs about God’s promises were brand spanking new but many of these songs I already owned. Whether new or old, all of these songs spoke to me about God taking care of me and getting me through hard times because of His love for me, a love that goes deeper than I can know. And it’s still happening! Just today, I caught another song and several verses that blew my mind. Wow.
I look back now on the way that these messages came upon me. I imagine myself sitting in the dark, crying after an earthquake until, suddenly, I stop…because I hear something. Portions of a gentle, holy whisper. I hear another, then another. Soon, a soft murmur comes in closer at my right and a clearer voice to my left. A faint breath of presence blows onto my face as a gentle touch wipes at my tear-stained cheek.
My love, I am here.
I love how Jesus knows the best way to capture my attention, so sweetly and lovingly, as opposed to a loud booming voice of condemnation that would terrify me and drive me deeper into the pit. He doesn’t do that. I can see now how He cared for my heart so gently as I lay broken and damaged, how He comforted me so kindly as my heart received and processed the messages of His plans and promises. Throughout the entire process, He communicated His presence and love to me, over and over again, through the random words of strangers, the reaching out of friends, and the relieving compassion of my family. He knew what I needed…how gentle and kind He is.
My best girl friend from college made a really great point to me that I had forgotten. God may have made those promises to the Israelites concerning their own specific situations, but He did not include these events in the Bible just to give us a boring history of things that do not pertain to us at all. There is a point. And one huge point is that, by studying God’s behavior in the Bible, we get to know His character.
Hebrews 13:8 says “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” We can witness God’s unchanging character traits through His interactions with His children in the Bible and the promises He made to them. If nothing else, God shows how extremely and utterly faithful He is to keep on loving a people who repeatedly turned their backs on Him. How awesome! And what a long cycle it has been for Him to endure such things from them, from us. He knows rejection better than anyone else, better than me, and yet He remains faithful.
You know what that says to me? If God was faithful and kind to His beloved ones then, though they themselves were unfaithful, then He, in His same unchangeable love, will surely show the same faithfulness and kindness to His beloved now. To me. And since He is unchangeable, all the promises He made to His children back then apply to His children now. He made those promises to His children as a whole, not just for those people during one isolated incident.
As I said before, none of my big picture circumstances have changed, but God, who loves to communicate through repetition, has made completely clear how vital it is for me to hold on to His promises. In the mean time, the Lord has provided me with solid temporary work, surrounded me with some amazing friends (both new and old), and established me with a strong support system. I am still waiting for some very important components in my life to fall into place…but I can wait now.
And I am learning (notice I’m still in the process) to believe, hold onto, and claim the promises of God in my life. That hope, that trust, and that peace that comes with the deepening of love changes everything when it would seem that nothing has really changed at all.
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